Attempting to make it

Oh such sweet relief! My trazodone in a lower dose fixes the crappy anxiety attacks and some Melatonin to aide with sleeping. Oh can I explain all the crazy thoughts that attack - I don't even want to try. I would never wish the images that have flooded my mind on anyone. I am so grateful for a few things though. That I was there for him when he needed me to know we had found him but that I didn't have to do any identification. I will get to a point with lots of love from so many wonderful people and hey a few meds along the way will help.

Yesterday's Daily Meditation for Grief:

"...all those who try to go it sole alone, Too proud to be beholden for relief, Are absolutely sure to come to grief." - Robert Frost

I have to say that this is so very true. I can't get through any of this without everyone. The discussion part about the passage talks about how no one will fill the particular space that is missing in my heart nor would I want them to but the emptiness does make me more needful of loving and supporting relationships in the rest of my life. This is so very true.

Tonight I hung out with my friend Lisa. I called her because I knew I had to do something other then what I've done for the last three days. Sit on the couch, cry, veg, cry.... You get the picture. We can talk for hours and somehow I don't think we have ever finished a conversation! We still follow all the threads in the jumping jumble of words. It is so very wonderful to be able to go from tears one minute to laughing the next. Lisa's life is certainly never dull.

So once again I have beautiful bright red toes for Scott. I hope it makes him smile. I can tell a difference in my mind and nerves based on the television and the programs I watch. When I'm really upset I can only watch iCarly and House Hunters. When I'm calmer or should I say more focused I can do things around the house without the TV. Who knew scooping the kitty boxes and taking out the trash was rewarding. I worked on paperwork stuff that needed to be taken care of for Scott's estate. It was less painful then it was on Monday after opening the mail but darn if trying to through out the ruined stuff from the truck is happening anytime soon I'd be surprised.

I did manage to toss the ruined first aid kit that still had pond water in it after 3.5 months. I had huge meaning but there wasn't a reason to save it. I'm trying to refuse to turn into a hoarder but darn it he bought that kit for our trip last summer. Tears over a first aid kit. He had my drill bits in the truck too. Yes really my drill bits. I promise I'm handier with tools then he ever was. They are a bit rusty and there was still water in there too.

So if you wonder why I'm fighting so hard to live forward it is making the choice to face all this head on when I can. I can't avoid it. He never let me avoid. When I was sick and in the hospital for 12 days he was there every step of the way making sure I got better, that I didn't give up. I hear him now when I least expect it telling me to take care of stuff but to do it as I'm ready. If I hide from these things I won't learn how strong I can be and find what I'm supposed to be learning in something that I don't want to learn but I don't have a choice. I have to do these things for him. Our love was about forever to infinity and beyond. Just because he left his physical body doesn't mean our love stopped. Everything was possible together. I am living forward each day because of the love we shared with each other and our daughters.