Hiding

Well I guess I can say my new med isn't working. I'm not doing well with it. It isn't giving me the relief I need and I'm having side effects. How do I survive all of this? I'm trying. I just don't like feeling like this. I want emotions but right now I need a bit of a break from the emotion overload. I'm not happy with this panic feeling. It's not okay.

I had an assignment for counseling today. I had to find an activity to do alone because she was on vacation today. I used my massage gift certificate from my birthday. It was very emotional but I felt the relief in my muscles. I cried through most of the massage. Too many memories it brought up. I dealt with them but now I'm planted on the couch hiding from the world. I know I'm struggling because I can't even sit and play my games. I will make it. I just have to deal with the bad and the good. My life has never been all good but my times with Scott were beyond words. I still smile at the fights because they were over fast. I grieve for all our love.

Today I read, "Life is a gift not a promise. Be grateful for everyday you have with each other. For you never know when it will be taken from you." I'm so grateful for the time we had together - amazing and unforgettable but I'm here trying to live without my partner. Alone just doesn't seem to be a good place for me to be right now. The TV is on and the computer is running and I only have 1.5 hours to go to bed and get up and start the day over again. I don't like living this way it isn't me. Just when I was finding who I am and was feeling like I was getting to a point of living forward - UGGG.