Small Stuff

Yeah right it is hard to not sweat the small stuff when it all adds up. I've been fighting with the stupid customer service phone people at Bank of America about my mortgage for over six weeks. Today I finally just gave up and went into the bank and wow they couldn't even find my stuff in the computer. Oh but don't you know the mortgage people they got on the phone could find my account. I have to go back again to get them to figure it all out.

I don't know what I'd be doing without my counseling because that got me through some thoughts in my head about my life today. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to change some of my meds. I hope it gets me out of some of this funk but I really don't think the loss of my other half will just go away with meds. This morning I crumbled into the floor of the bathroom and sobbed. I don't understand why he is gone and I do know I will never understand why but it doesn't make the pain stop. It comes in waves but I can't understand any of this.

Hannah took me to see Eclipse tonight and I kept thinking of Scott. When Edward proposed I closed my eyes and remembered the love in Scott's face as he asked me to be his wife. He loves me and I won't ever see that look again. He never stopped loving me. He told me everyday. I keep asking for his help and guidance to love me and get me through all of this.

There is a new movie coming out with Julia Roberts called Eat, Pray, Love. A true story of a woman's own journey to find herself. I'm on the journey but I don't like where I'm going with this. I have choices to keep making but some days I just want someone to run over me with a bulldozer. No I'm not throwing myself out in front of one but geez can someone keep the piles to a minimum for me for the rest of my life!