Spriitual Treasures

Today was another one of those days. I have been busy all day. Exhausted but busy. I had to do a few chores related to the estate this morning. Three banks and four hours later we are a bit closer. It is stressful but I'm glad it gives me something to focus on in besides my grief. I've got things that I need to do for Laynie and I. The way Scott expects it to be handled. He guides me through this process. When I don't know what path to take he shows me the way. I hope one day Laynie and I can sit and remember the three years of her life where we tried to give her the world. I wish I could spend more time with her - maybe someday. We miss her dearly just as much as we miss her Daddy.

I have things I do to keep the pain at bay when I've got to get through another event. I don't know when the events that we had planned will stop hitting me in the face but someday they will be fewer. We had plans beyond our retirement. We had plans on tormenting the staff in the nursing home. I don't want to make it that far but I don't get to pick my expiration day. So I will push through our plans and learn how to make new ones.

Tonight I met my good friend and her daughter for my Mexican dinner fix at Ninfas. We sat talking once again! We can keep talking for hours. It got me through to the time Scott and I should be on a flight from DFW to LA and then onto Fiji. As we were talking she shared that she had been out to the cemetery where Scott is buried. There is an old section and a new section. She was in the old section doing some genealogy research when she felt a calling to go to the new section. She didn't go to the graveside at the funeral. She didn't know where he is buried.

She drove with her family straight to his grave. She felt as if she was pulled to be there, as if he was pulling her to be there. She got out of the car with her daughter. Then her daughter went back to the car. She stood there talking to him. She asked what he needed from her. She told him she was checking on me and was there if I needed her. He just needed to help us along. I know the pull she was feeling. I feel it daily. So tonight he sent us together so that I didn't have to make it through all my what ifs along. His love is powerful. I will take these treasures from Scott. He is here. He will love me to infinity and beyond and I will love him bunches of circles. My heart I love you if flowing into my head. He will continue to make my life magical.

Out There

This has been a very long week. I'm so very tired of repeating myself here but it does help me get my feelings sorted out and keep living. Just as my reading, crazy television schedule of numbing programs and hanging out with my pillows when I go to bed at night keep me calm.

I'm learning to get to places that I don't think I would have been in before all this stuff happened. I would go and do things with Scott and we would socialize together but we were just that together. Tonight I took Hannah to her band picnic. It was fun to see the kids have so much fun. I talked and socialized without Scott. I'm not incapable of this skill I just am overcoming the hurdle of it being easier in a pair. They were having a discussion about college band departments and the differences between each program. Someone mentioned Grambling State and they wondered where the school was. I couldn't tell you but I kept thinking that I knew Scott would know without using Google.

I'm trying to get there. I liked seeing the kids have a crazy time with all the games and the food fight with Ramen noodles. It was fun seeing them have a blast. I know my life is possible because of Hannah. I did manage to have the radio do it's thing on my way home so I sobbed for a bit and then sat in the driveway having a one-sided conversation with Scott about how we should be loading all the last minute items into our luggage and trying to get our sleep schedules adjusted. Now I'm sitting on the couch watching an underwear commercial. I think I got the short end of the stick! I know he didn't leave me on purpose and I know he would rather be here headed to Fiji. Tonight in my dreams I hope we can find a way to see each other again. I like seeing him and hearing him say the things he only said to me.

A Clue!

I'm getting there slowly but surely. I am being true to myself and understanding who I am. I am a little out of kilter but I am recognizing that and trying very hard to not let it control and consume me. The trip to Fiji is really getting to me. The little things that go along with planning a special trip. He bought my Kindle for me at Christmas with the International feature so I could read all I wanted laying on the beach or the daybed in front of our bure. All of the special times a truly romantic honeymoon is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong we had that everyday but making memories was very special. We worked really hard to get what we had and do the things we did. I'm trying to get to a point where I can learn to make new memories and not just sit on the couch and stare at the computer and TV. Someday but not yet.

Today's quote:

"Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I do want to feel better. Someday I will feel better but I will never forget. The discussion part of the passage today states, "...our ability to love and care is not limited to some finite number, so that taking on a new love means replacing an old one. Time does not expand, but love does..." The space in my heart marked Scott will always be his. Love has no boundaries. I have the ability to keep loving all those I love now and there will always be room to love more. Each love is just expressed in a different way.

I'm taking it easy on myself but darn it I really want to be in Fiji with Scott. Our discussion in the hammock on the beach at DisneyWorld was partly about how the next time we sat on a beach would be even more magical then that moment was and it was very amazing. He is holding me. He is here with me. I wish I could travel with him to make that dream come true. Maybe someday but not today.

Tonight my beautiful silly daughter and I sat on the couches watching TV. I wasn't allowed to watch House Hunters so we finally agreed on Blues Clues. It was a great memory to make with her based on the memories of her childhood. It really made us laugh and smile while we were yelling at the TV helping find the clues. When she was in diapers she would run around the house in her diaper yelling, "Mommy! Daddy! I found a clue!" My beautiful little girl is turning into a amazing young woman.

I will keep getting out a bed and finding my purpose in each day. I will keep living with the pain but more importantly the love for so many people that I can't express the words to all of the people that have given me strength to make it.

Magical

I got up and went today but it was not easy. Not because of grief per se but more because I'm exhausted. I guess that is really the grief then.

"We cannot do everything at once but we can do something at once." - Calvin Coolidge

I'm trying to do something one at a time. I don't always know what I'm doing but at least I am doing something. To be honest I'm not sure what it was today but I'm sure I did something. Oh wait I went to work and treated my patients. Granted I was there until almost 7pm because I had trouble being inspired to get out of my chair at my desk. I came home and nuked a frozen breakfast burrito and let my bobo planted on the couch. Now I will finish this and head to bed.

I want to keep living. I want to be happy without taking meds to smile and sleep. I want to go places and live the life Scott wanted us to live together. This Saturday I was supposed to be on a plane to Fiji with Scott. He was like a kid in a candy store with all this stuff. I was excited but was trying to live in what we had but he took me along so I know I was just as excited as he was. I can make it through these milestones and find a way to make plans for new ones.

They are happening I just don't care so much for all of them. Not that I want to offended anyone but well just hard to make it through stuff. I know he's here I know he wants me happy. I know that there will never be another person to fill my his spot in my heart. The power of love is beyond words. It knows no boundaries or places to stop. It is endless just like the circle.

So with that thought I leave you to ponder the love in your life and know there are not ways to create a fence for the love. Find all those you love and feel the immense satisfaction in love without rules or expectations. It is truly magical to love that way.

Meanings

Life with Scott had so many meanings for us. We could communicate in the code or with a look. Today I spent time thinking about the things that were large symbols of our love. Our wedding rings! When we decided to go the formal route of the piece of paper that didn't change our love. That day we looked at each and started laughing because for the thousandth time someone had said to us, "you two are already married, why don't you actually get married." It was a nice cold winter Saturday. We were out running errands and suddenly we were in jewelry stores - eight of them. His instructions were very specific, "Pick out one ring in each store that you like!" I did just that in six of the stores. So for the next month and a half it was banter back and forth about the time and date of the proposal. He refused to tell me. Imagine that! I hate secrets and he managed to keep that one. My engagement ring has so many meanings but the big stones were about two families becoming one and the past, present and future. That was the most perfect proposal for us. His little boy excitement and my shock and surprise.

Our individual wedding bands were also special. He picked mine out on his very own. My band has his favorite lucky number of stones. I can see his little smile of joy when we stood in the jewelry store after he called me in to make sure it fit with my ring. I love going back and standing in the store and the bench that makes me smile and have tears. At the same time we had received a catalog with a ring that I just knew was for him. We went into that store on the same day. He tried on several different styles but came back to the one I had originally picked. It is two bands, one silver inside one smaller of gold. It symbolizes our infinity and beyond love. A circle has no endings. Our love has no endings.

Tonight I went to dinner with my friend Angela. On the way there I was driving along and was suddenly aware that I had TWO WHITE TOYOTA TUNDRAS on each side of me. The same body style as Scott's. I was glad I didn't have far to go. Seeing the trucks around town has been a step for me to overcome. Unless I move to Alaska I have to get past somethings but it is only one step at a time. There are still things that I refuse to even address. Someday but not today. I feel a mess in all of my emotions. I'm understanding bits and pieces of life, my new life, at a time and the old pieces still matter, still have meaning.

Family

Right as I type this I'm texting with my brother. He texted me out of the blue to tell me that he loves me. I have the best brother. Granted we haven't always been that way and I know we have grown up bunches over the years. You know the saying I can mess with my sister but just let anyone else try! That is us. Scott and I talked lots about our relationships with our siblings. We both had crazy ups and downs.

We are both the oldest and that isn't always easy. Just the week before he died we had a conversation about how I felt as a sister and how he felt as a brother. We talked about how just as in our relationship, spending time with each other because you never know when life will be over, that we must keep trying to make nice with our siblings. It is hard to believe that the next week he was gone and now my brother who I know loves me is actually telling me he loves me! In the end it really is love that you take with you. I love my family so very much. I have a huge extended family to support me also. My Grandmother would be so very proud of the love of all of her grandchildren. We each have our own lives but dropping everything if times of crisis or just calling to say I love you and how are you hanging in there makes it all easier.

"In the community of love, all are at home." from my daily grief meditation book


So in my chosen community of love I will make it through each day until someday the pain isn't the focal point of my daily life!

Hanging Out

"Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you." -Walt Whitman

Yes it is true. Scott's presence is very apparent for me at times. Today has been one of those days. I feel him protecting me today. I'm not sure why because it has been a nice day but then again maybe that has been why it has been a nice day. I talked to him when I felt him and the power of love soared. It is very overwhelming power of love that we shared all the time.

Mike brought Hannah over to mow the yard. It was funny because he ended up mowing the yard for me. I can't get on the mower yet. We would have battles over who mowed the yard better. Mike has talked about a dream he had last week with Scott in it. He said it was very unsettling. I feel like Scott is telling him to keep an eye on me and help me. I know this is a hard time for all of us. Mike and Scott spent lots of time together. Two very amazing men. It really is possible to be nice and wish each other happiness. I know Mike knows the depth of the love Scott and I share. He has never once voiced a grudge. He just talks about what great guy he was.

Today was less lonely. Like I said before he was here all day. The energy I feel is relaxed and settled. Like he's home and taking a break. I wonder what his responsibilities are like on the other side. We as humans are all about money and such but I can't imagine that is important anymore. We should be less focused on stuff as humans. I have stuff yes but it isn't what makes me happy. It makes me comfortable but happiness for me is from my interactions that are filled with love and kindness. I don't understand anger and hatred. I get snarky sometimes but then I feel guilty so I try to stop myself. All of our stuff is intermingled. We really had no defining of his and mine. After living in the same house for almost three years we just had our stuff.

Things we had bought together. We shared everything. It is hard to open a cabinet and use a cooking utensil that we had purchased. I can remember the exact moment the blue spatulas were bought and the laughter, teasing, hugging and kissing in the kitchen store. It didn't matter what we were doing we just loved being together. That is the feeling I have had today. That we hung out together. It felt less lonely today. I felt pushed to do the laundry. My laundry man still doesn't like me leaving piles of clothes sorted in the bathroom. It has been just an overwhelming sense of peace today. I continue to pray for love and peace.