Meanings

Life with Scott had so many meanings for us. We could communicate in the code or with a look. Today I spent time thinking about the things that were large symbols of our love. Our wedding rings! When we decided to go the formal route of the piece of paper that didn't change our love. That day we looked at each and started laughing because for the thousandth time someone had said to us, "you two are already married, why don't you actually get married." It was a nice cold winter Saturday. We were out running errands and suddenly we were in jewelry stores - eight of them. His instructions were very specific, "Pick out one ring in each store that you like!" I did just that in six of the stores. So for the next month and a half it was banter back and forth about the time and date of the proposal. He refused to tell me. Imagine that! I hate secrets and he managed to keep that one. My engagement ring has so many meanings but the big stones were about two families becoming one and the past, present and future. That was the most perfect proposal for us. His little boy excitement and my shock and surprise.

Our individual wedding bands were also special. He picked mine out on his very own. My band has his favorite lucky number of stones. I can see his little smile of joy when we stood in the jewelry store after he called me in to make sure it fit with my ring. I love going back and standing in the store and the bench that makes me smile and have tears. At the same time we had received a catalog with a ring that I just knew was for him. We went into that store on the same day. He tried on several different styles but came back to the one I had originally picked. It is two bands, one silver inside one smaller of gold. It symbolizes our infinity and beyond love. A circle has no endings. Our love has no endings.

Tonight I went to dinner with my friend Angela. On the way there I was driving along and was suddenly aware that I had TWO WHITE TOYOTA TUNDRAS on each side of me. The same body style as Scott's. I was glad I didn't have far to go. Seeing the trucks around town has been a step for me to overcome. Unless I move to Alaska I have to get past somethings but it is only one step at a time. There are still things that I refuse to even address. Someday but not today. I feel a mess in all of my emotions. I'm understanding bits and pieces of life, my new life, at a time and the old pieces still matter, still have meaning.