Anticipation

I managed to get a sound sleep last night. I still woke up at the crack of dawn but I was rested a bit more and smiling. I must have had a nice dream because I woke up thinking of Scott and smiling. Sometimes being in our home is hard but other times it is the only place I can function. I still cry multiple times a day but not always the overwhelming ongoing sobbing.

My Mom keeps me busy when I spend time with her. She called me yesterday and she has a leak in the plumbing in the wall and the water is off most of the time until the plumber can get here to fix it. I told her she could come to my house but well anyway you know how that goes with Mom's. I'm sure Hannah says that about me. So here we are roughing it. Today though she rented a condo in her neighborhood for the day to can pickles. Yes she kept me busy, chopping garlic. I smelled so lovely but hey at least I got to shower.

I could have stayed home alone but I can only stand my self for so long and well I'm starting to answer myself when I talk out loud! I don't know if I can stand myself for the rest of my life. I miss my best friend and love. See here I go crying again. I'm antsy again. I need to head to bed but I'm having trouble sitting still. When I get like this I feel the intense pain of what/who is missing from my day. We were rarely apart but in the times we were early on in our relationship it was the anticipation of being together again. I have that anticipation but know it isn't going to happen. The downward spiral starts from that and sometimes I really have to work to get moving again. Listening to his voice on his voicemail doesn't solve the problem but it does ease the pain a bit. Smelling his deodorant, his smell makes it bearable. Now that I've lost so much weight I can wear his longhorn athletic shorts and most of his tshirts but I only have one I prefer to wear. It all makes me feel close to him. It doesn't bring him back into each others arms but I know he really wasn't a figment of my mind. He really did love me for five years. He really kept my life full of excitement. Not always the way we wanted but hey we all have baggage.

So today I once again got up and now I once again complete another day. Unless I develop Alzheimer's I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by without me missing our life together and the love we share. Infinity and beyond!