Nope, Nothing

Just a day. A day that is further from the last time I saw Scott. The last time he touched me, told me he loved me, teased me, held me in his arms, and kissed me. It is hard to continue to move forward alone. Today I tried to do the things I was supposed to do but apparently I was to attempt to conquer today alone. I ended up having one of those dizzy spells I get with low blood pressure.

I have made it through the day sitting on the couch, wondering around doing this or that and spending so extra time resting. I have the kitties to keep me company. Earlier today they laid down on me and now my oldest one is laying on the arm of couch with her paw resting on my arm. The youngest was doing her chase around the house with Scott. She stops and looks where he sat on the floor and then suddenly starts running. I miss sitting here with him, each on our own computers, sending an IM across the room. I miss hearing his voice telling me football stats.

Today the Cowboys played and the thought makes me cry. Last summer we went to training camp with friends. We had the best time. We laughed and joked and walked. Loneliness is a horrible pain. When I feel like this I try to talk to him and keep our connection going. I just started crying and the cat sitting next to me has jumped onto my chest and is licking my tears off my face. So I still have to figure out how to live alone without having a panic attack, move forward to the whatever I'm supposed to do. I don't want to move forward. I want the life I had back but well I don't get that. I can't get anyone to tell me what to do. I can't get anyone to hold my hand. I can't get anyone to sit and hold me when I cry. The pain is still deep. Too deep for words.