Popping Bubble Wrap

So you see there are always kinks in the system. It can be any system and right now for me it is basically called life. There are things that have been achieved because I've been patient and known I needed to take care of them, even when other people have put rocks in the road. Of course, the ones that help me grade the road outweigh the ones who think stoning someone is fun so I'm good to go with that. I have developed a patience I didn't know I possessed in some aspects of my life.

Now if I can be more patient with myself I'd be sailing on the big fluffy white pillow cloud in Heaven with Scott. I'm learning I really must be learning. This morning was a rough start. I did get out of bed earlier then normal to do my Mom duties. Hannah made it to school for early band even after late band and homework last night. I'm very super duper proud of her. She is amazing and working hard. How many Freshman do you know come home and say, "This will look really good on my college applications!" So with that said she has worked her way from the "Z squad" into the actual marching group. I'm not taking credit because I voiced my opinion but she worked hard to get there. She comes by that ability honestly. If you know her please make sure she knows for the rest of her life, even when it is my time to go, how very much I love her and how very proud of her I am. I tell her everyday but I want her to know that I shared it with others.

I make it through days without patches of grief hitting me in the face but today wasn't one of them. Last night I picked up one of Scott's t-shirts and held it close like a child would a blanket. I am craving being held in his arms and smelling his scent. I can still smell him but that warmth and strength of being in his arms and being tucked in close is so very painfully missed. The immense loneliness and pain is so very hard to describe. It does make what I've worked hard to achieve hard to continue. This world is cruel and there are no guarantees but I have to be patient with myself. No one is pushing me to be more then I am except me. How do I explain the feeling that I will forever be stuck in this bubble on a teeter-tooter. Smiling for the cameras and crying alone.

I'm not asking for explanations. I know it is what it is but that doesn't keep the world at bay while I work through the most painful event in my life. I know I'm not alone. I know others are out there who go through these moments after loosing their spouse but I can only speak from the depths of my own heart. I can only hope that someone has taken the time to pad my teeter-totter with lots of cushions so I don't hurt myself. Or at the very least wrap my poor fragile soul and heart in bubble wrap. At least then I would have warning when something is not right because I could hear the POP.

My friends that truly know me understand the depth of the love Scott and I share. If you were around us for any length of time I've been told before and after his death that he only had eyes for me. I know the same is for me. No one knows this story but in Jan a former coworker texted me out of the blue on a cold rainy Saturday morning. Scott had gotten up to shower and I was still all snuggled into the covers. This person proceeded to ask me out. I started laughing and showed Scott the texts. His response was "he'd better think twice about that! You're mine!" I had to agree. There were very few secrets we kept from each other. His teaching Hannah to drive might be one of the very few he was successful at keeping from me. If there are others that I don't need to know please don't burst my bubble wrap right now around my heart. I know we had our ups and downs but we had a great ability to communicate that got us through any troubled waters.

So today I faced a slap of grief in the face and got up and made it to work. There I let the problems of others consume me until I was able to hide from the grief and bury my troubles. Now if someone knows why my hair is falling out in huge clumps and I'm covered in welts on my neck and chest please send me a remedy! If it is psychological I guess I will just have to keep my biweekly counseling sessions. Hey at least she tells me that knowing me before and after the tragedy she knows I have abilities to find my way one day but right now it is still okay if all I can do is get out of bed.

Tomorrow will be another day of life. I want to look forward to them not just looking forward to marking them off. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way but here I go again expecting myself to fix everything in one day. Not today. Maybe not ever but I will get to know the joy of Scott's love again one day when it is my time. I'm not asking when or why. I just know it will happen. We are given two things by God in this life that are promised, birth and death. The time that comes in between is a gift. I thank God daily for my gifts but I also have to recall that the difficulties are also gifts. Just like eating your spinach, they will make you stronger.