Horror or Romance

Today I don't know what to write about. I'm on a big roller coaster today. I have felt like I'm part of the story of the Pit and the Pendulum by Edgar Allen Poe. That would fit my life maybe even to the point of Stephen King. I feel some days like I'm in a horror story, a tormented prisoner not of my own choice. I prefer to read mystery romance novels with a happy ending. Nicholas Sparks, Danielle Steele maybe would be better then this. They have ups and down, happiness and tragedies but most often points that make life better.

I have almost an entire collection of Danielle Steele's works. It was my inheritance from my Grandmother. She made sure I got them long before she ever died and then continued to add to them over the years as gifts for all occasions. I feel like I should be writing a story of my life but that it should be a work of fiction. Then I realize I'm one of those tragic souls in her stories but now how to I recover? How do I make it from my pit of despair into the light and love that was my life with Scott. I look around and most times I am good to go and then suddenly I feel alone in my bubble.

I don't want to be bubble girl. I want to live forward but I don't get to live forward how I would choose to be. My rings are super lose on my left hand. I'm afraid they will fall off with as much weight as I continue to lose but I can't bring myself to remove them. They are my connection to Scott. My Magic, the magic he gave me with his love. I can look at them and know exactly how much that love really could not be measured in dollars and cents. To infinity and beyond is priceless. One day I will be buried next to him and I will be at his side in the light and love of God but for now I have lessons to continue learning here on Earth. The mortal world as we know it.

Now in this fictional book of mine I could make anything happen and it would all come true. It now sounds like the makings of a movie. I know nothing of formal writing other then taking the words that aren't really floating in my head and typing. I sit here and write out to you without thoughts floating in my head. I read what I'm writing as if I've never heard it before. I guess that means I have magic hands and fingers because I'm only performing the action. Maybe this means I know how to use more of my brain then I realize. I type and the words poor out onto the screen. If I stop to think my brain has nothing there, not a little voice planning ahead just a blank canvas.

I need to know how to take this and earn a living that provides for Hannah into college and beyond. If I felt like I was worthy them maybe I could make that happen. Someone give me the courage to move forward with a new dream in life beyond the dream of being Scott's partner to infinity and beyond. I have no doubts that is the truth! The other side of taking my self esteem to the next level from spilling words forth. Hmm maybe this will give me a place to think after my fingers are done with my brain. I wish I had all the answers but I guess tonight isn't the night to find world peace or to even know I will be cared for in my old age financially. Oh well I at least have a little bit better peace of mind then when I started this entry a few minutes ago.

With this I leave you with a thought from my Daily Meditation book:

"There is no way out, only a way forward." - Michael Hollings