Hard on myself

In all of these days that have passed nothing really seems easier. I force myself not to cry. I force myself out of bed. I do achieve so many things but find enjoyment happens because I look to make it happen. I look for the joy in little things. When I do find enjoyment I feel the energy of Scott enjoying the times with us too.

Tonight we toured the High School looking for Hannah's classes and her locker with her friend, Holly, Holly's Mom and another band friend with her mom. I could see Scott walking the halls and marveling at the beauty and the size of the school. He loved being Dad to both our girls. I find so much joy and fear in sending her off to high school. It is another step forward. I want so to be so excited for her but then I selfishly have my own moments where I want to stop time.

I need to face all of the things I feel. I think about all that I have left but the hole is still there. I'm working around it but I'm not very good at it. I'm on overload and I don't know exactly what to do somedays. I'm worn out but I still can't sleep. Can someone please tell me how to sleep? How do I make it to a happy place again? I don't know really what I want but I can't stop being hard on myself. Why am I so hard on myself? I can't find a place where the emptiness is less painful. I love him so very much. This isn't the path he chose for us but I have to make due with what I have.

That sounds so very pitiful and I don't want a pity party. I really do want to live forward but with a little less force!