Lots of sleep

Last night was fun and sad at the same time. I'm getting there. Yes I am facing this process with as much bravery as I have but sometimes I'm a big 'ol chicken. Mike and Pamela picked me up and we drove south for an hour and half to meet my parents at Joe's Crab Shack. It was one of our favorite places to eat. I was the one who picked it. I was craving Great Balls of Fire. I felt so very odd man out. Sitting at dinner with four other people. At one point I had to get up and go to the restroom and cry my eyes out. I couldn't do it. Then I found my courage to go back to the table and finish my dinner.

We made it straight to the game. I hated watching the game without Scott filling me in on all the details. Questions were asked and I couldn't answer them but I knew Scott would be able to give me the details. I was surrounded by people and I've never felt so alone. I cheered in all the right spots. I loved watching Hannah participate in the marching band in the real moving formation. We got a great view of their backsides but they moved great and sounded good. I'm trying. I'm out there and trying.

We drove home and it seemed like no time at all and we were there. The kids weren't to far behind. At 1 am after being up since 6 a.m my head was hitting the pillow. Today I slept. I managed to get out of bed at 3 p.m. with much reluctance. I dreamed of Scott all night. It was an entire story line. He was alive (more like he felt like he should be alive) and I had tasks to do to be with him again. It really does sound like life or a novel. You pick! I guess for me I do have things I'm supposed to complete and be with my love, his heart. I'm not happy about being separated. Being together was important only behind our girls.

It is still my process that I don't want to be in but the only choices I have aren't choices I would be allowed to make. I keep getting out of bed and making the choices that others approve. I make the choices for my beautiful daughter. It is the only choice I have that fits into someday being with Scott again. Mike said last night that he felt like Scott was with us. The three of us talked about him and how he was in life. We knew the adult he had become, the person he was at his death was not the child, teen, college student but the formation from those points of life. Others can recall their times with him as he was. I got to know all of him. All of the stories and times of growth gave me the man I love. He used to say he wished he could have skipped some parts of his life and met me at 19. I used to tell him then he wouldn't be who he had become for us. My life will never be the same because he changed me for the GOOD!