Pressure Cooker

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak
Whispers the oe'r fraught heart and bids it break." - William Shakespeare

Oh the days of studying good 'ol Will in High School. We read them all if that seems possible. Now hear I am putting meaning to his words in the worst time of my life. Really that is what he is saying. If you don't take the time to talk about all the grief then you really become a pressure cooker and explode. Sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time but this blog is all about me truly.

Hard to admit that because I'm always taking care of everyone else but if I don't take the time to express the random thoughts that can become lodged into my head and won't leave then the only way to get them out is a mental meltdown. I don't need that anymore then you need to pick me up off the floor. The quote is from a few days ago in of course my meditation for grief book. Reading and writing are my building blocks these days to keep my boosted off the floor. I need a rocket attached to my back some days but well amazingly I've made it to the end of the day without blasting off.

The mail attacked again today but I got to vent. Scott had one bill that arrived after he died but for some medical services way back in November. It was a measly $25 and the stupid hospital had sent it to a collection agency. I had sent the check a few weeks ago after getting the estate settled and Becki and I paid what we could with what little money he had. I got to tell the person on the other end of the phone at the collection agency when she asked if Mr. K was present that "NO he DIED in APRIL!" Well I must say that is one way to silence them. I then told her I sent the check a few weeks ago and otherwise that was it! That felt good. I've never had collections calling me but I've gotten lots of wrong numbers for people!

The best part was the looking forward into 10 months from now and the cruise brochure. There wasn't much in it. Not more then what was online but it was fun to look at the glossy photos and have an actual ship plan to study. Now what do I want to do when I'm there? Relax, Relax and maybe a wilderness hike to say I've done that. Or how about a helicopter ride over the glaciers? I'm planning and I can't believe that I am planning something again. It is who I am - the organizer. I miss Scott and his thousands of questions. He would be asking me things I don't know any more then he did. He did that with Fiji. Umm, Honey I've not been there! Then I think that he knows the answers and will be my guide through life. When I get there we will have so much to share.

So for now I continue to repeat myself to get the pressure lowered before I explode. I lived another day. In circles I lived another day. But as they sing in The Lion King - The Circle of Life. Ahh there goes another Scott memory. I've had lots of them this evening. Things I'd tucked away in the recesses of my mind came back to me. I'm lost within my own memories but it is an okay place for me to hang out. Now to start the circle again with the closed eyes and hopefully a dream visit from my Love.