Fiji someday, maybe

This morning I sat in the floor of the shower talking to Scott. It is a place of comfort with the water cascading over me. I asked for him to hold me and send me signs that he is still here with me. His favorite mode of communication with me has from the very beginning even alive been music. He would sing to me and even now the music is powerful. The minute I turned on the car the radio started singing to me. I was crying before I could even pull out of the driveway. It was the song that played at his funeral as they took his body out, Leann Womack "I hope you Dance."

It continued all the way to work. I'm surprised I wasn't a raccoon. It was another day to get through. This entire week has just started but I want it over. I know I couldn't have gone to Fiji without him but the funny thing is I feel like he is disappointed that I didn't go. He wanted that trip for us. It was his gift to me but I couldn't get there. The travel company was horrid and refunded nor credited the trip to something I could use later. They applied the "credit" to a card he had used once to make an initial deposit. The rest of the funds had come straight from his checking account. So they did this without even consulting me even though I was part owner of the trip. I try not to think to much about it. Maybe one day I can get to Fiji but I don't really know if I will.

The life I have keeps stepping forward. I keep making new memories but feel Scott in everything that his happening. His energy was very powerful for me when he was alive and it is the same energy I feel with me now. We each have our own energy or spirit that we can feel. I know I have been around others who I feel have a negative energy that surrounds them. For Scott our energies entwined were very powerful. I feel his specific energy with us. Today I felt him when I took Hannah to pick up her schedule for high school. It seems not so very long ago that he was with us and waited in the car when we picked up a schedule for fifth grade!

He was with us tonight as Mike, Pamela and I learned to march on the practice field. I could hear him laughing as we created new memories. I know he is here. I know I feel his love and when I ask for signs I get them. The other thing I told him this morning was that I was tired of being alone and I really missed Hannah. Somehow today he answered. Hannah will be home a few days earlier then planned. I can't explain but I trust in the power of the love Scott and I share. It is lonely but he will continue to guide me through this process and help me reach a new place that is full of life. I will live forward. I will also love forward.