Knowing What to Do

Are there days where you just don't know what to do with yourself? I have lots of those days. I do the routine stuff but then when I have to move on from there I get stuck. I guess that is why I'm so stuck when I get home. I have a bunch of stuff I should try to do but I still can't. Tonight Hannah was out at band practice and then some time with her Dad. I was home alone. It took me an hour to decide to actually take out the bag of spinach, wash the strawberries, open the bag of almonds and mix it all together with poppyseed dressing on top. Not to hard to do for most people but for me it is like taking the tweezers to my leg hair. I cringe at the thought.

I finally did it after much self prompting. Then it felt like I had months to kill before Hannah got home. So on goes the television to mind numbing programs again, House Hunters and Big Brother. I have other things I should try to do. The front lawn needed a haircut but I can't do that because I can't get on the lawnmower. I avoid all things that have the remote possibility of causing a panic attack. The things is all of these things I avoid I can give you very specific reasons why I can't do them. I won't bore you with the details and as irrational as I sound to myself I can't convince myself to do them.

I have a disc with pictures on it that I need to have printed for Laynie. I can't go into the craft room to get to the disc because my wedding dress is hanging on the door in front of where the pictures are sitting. The panic attack is still greater then doing something for a little girl I love very much. I can send Hannah in there but somehow that always ends up with me standing at the door sweating and Hannah has finally said to me, "It's okay Mom we will get to it, just not right now." My poor daughter takes care of me so very much. I want to get better! I just have to be gentle so I avoid right now and approach things slowly and conquer as I can. Not to bad for four and half months.

I often wonder how it feels to others? Time is so irrelevant for me because I can see him everywhere I go, except my brand new therapy gym because that was just a dream when he was still alive. We had forms and dirt moving and now it is four walls and a place to work. It's not finished yet but that is just cosmetics. For me it is still the week of his death, sometimes it is dreams of our last trip together. As I sit in my living room I can see him in his two favorite spots or I can hear him going in to take a bath. He is with me still. Not just in my memories or imagination I feel his presence.

So tonight Hannah finished mowing the front yard at 8:30 pm while I watched. I took out the trash and came up the front walk as I passed the mailbox I could feel him standing there watching her mow. The guilt of not being able to do somethings that I used to love doing was overwhelming. I went inside and started a load of laundry for her, sat at the table and talked to her a bit about her school day and put stuff together for Friday Night Football tomorrow. As I sorted her clothes I looked into her room and on her bed is the blanket we made for Scott for Christmas to surprise him. He found out because she didn't hide it well enough but he never said a word to her. She knows now and I knew because he told me. I think she misses him bunches to and not having him here is hard on her. She is stronger then I ever feel I will be again.

I'm working my way through stuff but without her here I'm lost. Okay I have to share that as I am typing this our oldest kitty gets off the couch walks to the door to the craft room which I can see from where I am sitting. Stands at the door and meows. I get up walk to her and she paws at the door wanting in. I open the door and turn on the light for her. She walks in stops, turns around and meows again. I step in and she meows in front of the pile of wedding reception things and stops at a bag from Disney World with the tiaras for the little girls that we bought in March and paws at it. I picked it up and she walks on meowing me along. She goes around my desk chair to the front of the closet door. She stops and meows. I sit down on the ground and start bawling my eyes out while she pats me and meows. I can see the dress and the basket of pictures. I am in there. Why do I have this strange sensation that Scott is right there with me guiding the cat? I will take care this. I'm am in overwhelming panic mode from being in there for two minutes, so I tell him I will keep working on this project. I have a new project. He has apparently told me I can do this and he will be right there with me.

I'm at my threshold for the night but for doing things I must overcome. He is here. When I need him the most he is here. When he wants something done he is here and sometimes he is here just because he loves me. I will never doubt our connection. It is beyond what I could ever dream of being. The things that happen I could never imagine. I accept and I love him to infinity and beyond.