Nut Job

Where's my repeat button for Sunday? I can sit here on my spot on the couch and work on keeping myself from crying and having a panic attack all day. I don't know how to make it through these times. Hannah has been here but I not worth anything today. We got up earlier and I did shower but leaving the house didn't happen. That would require more energy then I have. I can really see myself becoming a hermit if I didn't try so hard. Today I didn't try at all.

I have to try again tomorrow but here we are at almost five months and my world just gets smaller and smaller. I'm kind of lost at repeating myself. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to explain that the feelings of pain and loneliness are even more intense now then they were. I don't like me, I don't like life. I'm living but I don't like it. I live for Hannah not myself. It is really hard to say but the very core of where I an and continue to be.

I find myself doing things that are silly but I can't stop. My newest addition to my trouble sleeping is one of Scott's t-shirt hugged to me like a blankie. I walk past our pictures all over the house and blow him a kiss. I talk to him all the time. There are many more things but now I don't always realize I'm doing some of the things I do. I have some OCD and now it is all about Scott. Why can't I OCD my craft room? Maybe this will pass or maybe I will spend the rest of my life a lonely woman living with memories of the way my life should have really been. Scott is forever young. I just get to be older. Yuck. I don't want to grow old without him.

A part of the daily meditation book says, "I will step into the unknown dark, trusting I will be safe." I don't feel safe. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a high spot and trying to find a safe path but I'm being pushed from someone behind me that I can't see. I guess I'm a little morbid tonight. I don't mean to be that way but I really hate Sunday.

So I work through this day which repeats once a week and marks time with the following quote from my meditation book.

"If God is, He is everywhere present. He is not an occasional visitor, nor ever more truly present than at this very instant. He is always ready to flow into our heart; indeed, He is there now - it is we who are absent." - Arthur Foote.

I'm not truly alone in my sorrow if I keep the presence of the love of God and the knowledge that Scott is part of that love. That I am part of his Heaven and one day we will truly be together again but it doesn't make it any easier to get through Sunday. Help me please keep me together and not a psycho nut job that I've never been until five months ago.