A Clue!

I'm getting there slowly but surely. I am being true to myself and understanding who I am. I am a little out of kilter but I am recognizing that and trying very hard to not let it control and consume me. The trip to Fiji is really getting to me. The little things that go along with planning a special trip. He bought my Kindle for me at Christmas with the International feature so I could read all I wanted laying on the beach or the daybed in front of our bure. All of the special times a truly romantic honeymoon is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong we had that everyday but making memories was very special. We worked really hard to get what we had and do the things we did. I'm trying to get to a point where I can learn to make new memories and not just sit on the couch and stare at the computer and TV. Someday but not yet.

Today's quote:

"Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I do want to feel better. Someday I will feel better but I will never forget. The discussion part of the passage today states, "...our ability to love and care is not limited to some finite number, so that taking on a new love means replacing an old one. Time does not expand, but love does..." The space in my heart marked Scott will always be his. Love has no boundaries. I have the ability to keep loving all those I love now and there will always be room to love more. Each love is just expressed in a different way.

I'm taking it easy on myself but darn it I really want to be in Fiji with Scott. Our discussion in the hammock on the beach at DisneyWorld was partly about how the next time we sat on a beach would be even more magical then that moment was and it was very amazing. He is holding me. He is here with me. I wish I could travel with him to make that dream come true. Maybe someday but not today.

Tonight my beautiful silly daughter and I sat on the couches watching TV. I wasn't allowed to watch House Hunters so we finally agreed on Blues Clues. It was a great memory to make with her based on the memories of her childhood. It really made us laugh and smile while we were yelling at the TV helping find the clues. When she was in diapers she would run around the house in her diaper yelling, "Mommy! Daddy! I found a clue!" My beautiful little girl is turning into a amazing young woman.

I will keep getting out a bed and finding my purpose in each day. I will keep living with the pain but more importantly the love for so many people that I can't express the words to all of the people that have given me strength to make it.