Names have meaning

Sunday night. My worst night of it all. The place where it all started. They keep coming but it still hurts. To spend all that time all those hours looking for him and being alone. Sitting up for 36 hours and not knowing the pain, the trauma it is part of my makeup now. I'm trying to find things to look forward into the future. Today Hannah and I spent the day lounging and researching our newest future. My Mom and Aunt decided they wanted to work on something that was part of their bucket list a few months ago.

After lots of discussion and financial decisions I asked if Hannah and I could be included. It will require some thoughtful budgeting but it will be something for all of us. Scott and I had started planning to take Hannah on a cruise for her 16th birthday in 2 years the week before he died. He was like a kid in the candy store. We had started a list of places to go that made our bucket list. The first place we chose was Alaska on a cruise. It seems fitting to make that journey. We will truly be a family for Hannah. Her grandparents, her godparents and all of her parents. Scott will be along because I know he wants this trip to happen. He wants me to keep enjoying my life and be involved.

I'm frightened and scared to keep moving forward but I'm just trying. Yesterday we were talking about name meanings and Alexis sent me mine.

"Creative, versatile and imaginative. You appreciate beauty in all forms. You have great inner strength and courage and have the ability to accept large responsibilities or challenging situations with patience and humility. Others admire these qualities and follow your lead. You are honest, discerning and self-disciplined and need to have a peaceful environment. Putting others before self your talents are used to make life better for everyone"

I was shocked about how that is what I feel. I don't always have great patience but that has certainly have learned things about myself in these past few months. It will keep happening. I will have more to learn about myself. I will make sure I do what Scott wants. There are still things that need to be done but it will be okay. We will be next to each other in death. Not just our bodies but our hearts and souls will forever be connected. It isn't my time yet but he will keep protecting me and loving me to infinity and beyond.