Cooking up a storm

I am slowly learning to be in the house and not stop and cry at the drop of a hat. I've learned that the shower is a good place to cry and bring Scott into my day.

I was busy today and then I had a conference call and all of the sudden I felt a huge kiss. I was alone in the office and an instant memory of when Scott and I worked together and I'd be on a call and he would come in, the door was closed, kiss me and walk out. I'd forgotten about that and I felt him sending me a message. He isn't very far away.

Tonight I achieved something I have been putting off. Real cooking! I haven't made this dish for more then six months. It was a special dish for Scott, Hannah and I. I haven't really cooked since the night he died. I cooked, I used the pots and pans and fresh ingredients. I poured in the wine into the dish but not me. Only one glass at WDW have I had since the night of his funeral. I'm trying but it is only a step in this process that has no time lines. I will work through it all eventually in my own way.

I still struggle but I'm getting much better at fooling most people. There are a few I can't get away with that technique but that truly means they know me without asking. I will survive for the moment. I'm sitting here typing this watching a storm that came through here head to Teague. Scott's body is there but his soul works in different places. I think I'm understanding who I am for now. Someday I may be different but not today.

Movie Ad Day

I was so very worn out today. I tried to sleep in but somehow Fantasy football required my attention. I love Scott's friends, they are such great guys but on Sunday morning I'm going to be sleeping in. Not today but it's ok. Hannah and I laid around watching old movies. I didn't turn on the TV for football games. I know my limits still and I push them when I feel like I can handle it but I also back off when I can't.

This afternoon we both took naps. In my dreams I got another visit from Scott. I love those times we get to spend a bit together. They aren't like my normal dreams where I do crazy things. These visit dreams are very vivid, detail oriented and I can feel him. Today he held my hand, told me we are still together, he wants me to be happy and he will be by my side making that happen. How can you not believe those things?

I just saw and ad for a new movie with Matt Damon called Hereafter. Interesting I may have to see that one. The next commercial was for the very last movie Scott and I saw together. We took Laynie to see How to Train Your Dragon while Hannah went with her friends to something else. I still have the ticket stubs. I just have so very many memories that will never go anywhere. I am also capable of making new memories and I proved it myself and my heart in Disney last week.

I am learning how to live without Scott's physical presence. Walking around the house looking at the pictures and the memories that pop up. One of my new patients told me how she lost her husband and she still talks to him and feels him around. I know I'm not alone in my world. I know I will find happiness and I know that Scott wants me to find my place. Each day brings me closer to someday.

God's Party

It seems like I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. Last night was football game time again. I love the games and the feelings of closeness with Scott. He loves his football. Today I went to work which was a good way to pass the hours with Hannah out at another band competition. I don't like hanging around the house alone. This week I have discovered something that you have all been waiting to hear. I'm a bit better. The trip to Walt Disney World helped so very much.

I still know I'm in steps further ahead then I was before. I spoke with Betsy on Friday to check on her. She walked me through all the early stages and I have experience that she needs now. Things happen in life that we don't understand the reason for things. Betsy and I were talking and she asked me if I was ready to decide to be a grief counselor. I'm too very close to the situation to answer that question.

I just keep thinking and thinking. I guess it is what I do best until I can work out a problem or issue. I want to help so I can now just be the friend she has been to me. The answer to the situation is once again - love unconditionally! That is my place in life. Yesterday one of my patients said to me, "You have such a beautiful smile. Do you know how you brighten my day?" I got tears in my eyes. Scott was always telling me that my smile lured him in to love unconditionally.

Now this party in Heaven is doing something to us all. It is our responsibility to use it for a positive outlook even at our darkest hours. Platitudes don't work. Telling someone how strong or brave they are, how their loved one is in a better place, or they are well. We know these things but it isn't comforting. Be there with a hand to hold and the I love you. Be there when the others go back to their own lives. Be there with a laugh or a shoulder to cry on. Nothing makes it easy to journey through. It can't be ignored or brushed under the carpet. The loss of someone you love must be faced no matter the age or cause of death. We have to continue living until it is our time and the only way to do that is with the power of love from those who remain behind and the most powerful love of all from those that precede us into the arms of God.

Circle of Friends

Nope this year doesn't count. It just doesn't get to win. Today on of the most important, dearest people I know had to tell me she lost her mother. We sat on a bench on Sunday night in Walt Disney World trying to come up with solutions to help her and Mom cope with the process of dementia. God decided it was time for the Mom to join Scott and so many others as an angel in Heaven. Even in her own grief Betsy protected me from finding out from someone else. She made sure it came from her but because I was where I was supposed to be I had the love and support all day of another friend who never thought he had it in him. Today he walked me through and was the one checking on me while I worried about trying to help Betsy today.

I can only tell her I love her and I am here to help her walk this journey. She keeps saying to me we are where we are supposed to be we just don't always know it. Now I know things I don't want to know but I do. That gives me the strength to be there for her. You see our little circle of friends are more then just crazy Internet Disney fans. We are a family through the good, the bad, the sad and the happy. Love really does matter and it is the only thing that will be there in the end of life. We will walk through this and love each other for the things that don't matter because there is not right or wrong and no battle that is that important.

Alone in a Crowd

"I will set forth on this journey in hope and trust. What more have I to lose? And how much to gain?"

this is from my grief journey daily meditation book. I sat and read this while I waited for people to arrive for my second day of the new job. I think I continue to struggle with the setting forth. I just want to skip to the end or reverse back to where I used to be. I am very hard on myself. I always have been. Why can't I take my lessons about others and apply the knowledge of unconditional love to myself? I'm sitting here writing wishing someone would love me again. Actually as always wishing that it wasn't just someone. Then again I know he still loves me and wants me to be happy. It's just really hard knowing how important I was to him and how he was to me. That kind of power is hard to explain. I want to be important like that - not today but someday.

I am slowly learning to be alone again and actually be okay with the solitude. At Disney World noticed the times surrounded by so many others when I would start to feel myself shut down and withdraw into my own thoughts. This happened on several occasions but the most eventful was after riding Expedition Everest twice in a row then having birds soar overhead. I will explain the adrenaline later. The night before was a night of healing and hope. After the ride we walked over to meet and eat at Flame Tree BBQ. I still struggle with the whole BBQ thing. I went over to the burger place in Dinoland and went back to the eat with the gang. We are really good at saving tables, we have it down to an art form. I was plopped at my table and watched two other tables with backpacks on them. I was talking, laughing and enjoying the company from afar. They were teasing me about sitting all alone. I didn't feel alone, people slowly trickled in and we filled our spots. The all of the sudden the panic started.

It must have been in plain view because Betsy kept looking at me and asking if I was okay. I feel the powers and emotions of others. I couldn't turn them off or block them out at that moment in time. The loneliness bubble surrounded me and wouldn't leave. It is times like this I miss my support from Scott. I looked around and I had support but the one person I needed it from couldn't give it to me and can't. I spiraled the rest of the night. I tried to get myself to a happy place but I couldn't get there. Sometimes you just want someone to touch your hand and walk around taking your mind off all the things that happen.

I sat on the balcony watching the stars making the wish that my heart makes everyday. Scott is with me and loves me to infinity and beyond but I still have to live each day. It has gotten a bit easier but it doesn't mean I like it. I took the easy way out that night. I took my meds and the extra dose I'm to take when the panic is so very bad. I was asleep before I knew it. I think the night was made harder because my phone was acting up because of the AT&T service on overload. I couldn't reach the hands I needed to hold me up. I will make it through all this and as the bad times continue to get fewer I will one day believe in myself again and my love for life and others.

Grim Grinning Ghosts

Or I guess I should have titled this scooting through emotions. WDW has always been a place of great joy for me before Scott. It needs to be a place of great joy for me after Scott. It is how I seem to mark the time in my life right now. I'm getting better at living and functioning alone but I miss that togetherness and knowing he was sitting next to me on the couch playing with my toes or sending me IM on Facebook just to tell me he loves me.

Last night I talked about the unconditional love and not placing boundaries on the people you love. It also works when you reach out to someone with a kind word or just a quick "thinking about you." I have received so much of that but I think sometimes it is hard for the people reaching out to know how much that touches my heart. From my best friends to people I barely know but are with me because of Scott the support I receive gets me through my daily struggles.

At WDW I can walk some of it but because of my MS it is very hard for me to do all of the distances without losing the enjoyment and magic when I have to spend most of the trip in bed. Over the years I practice what the therapists call "energy conservation." At WDW that means I use a scooter to get from point A to point B. I try to walk on as many rides as possible because I'm not a complete invalid. It is a great joy to be able to reach out to my friends and talk and walk along with them and be included into the conversation even when I have "butt view." I'm not alone and they accept me as I am and help me along the way.

The one exception to this was the night of the Halloween Party. We had walked on without waiting on most things but Haunted Mansion we took the back entrance onto the ride. I was getting tired and standing for any length of time wasn't going to allow me to continue with the party. Who needs numb legs? We got into the ride laughing and joking along the way but as we were seated into the doom buggy the tears flowed. I was sobbing. This is one of my very favorite rides and I couldn't stop crying. I can tell you exactly what it was that did it for me - the coffin, the clock striking 13, the medium calling the spirits, the bride in the attic, the dancing ghosts, the graveyard, the girl telling us to bring back our death certificate because there is room for one more and the ghost hitching a ride. So it was the entire ride. The last time I was on this was, of course, with Scott and we joked about bringing back our death certificate but not for many years! Just thinking about that is making me cry as I type this. I don't know if I will be able to ever get on this ride again without crying.

So I've added to my places to cry, not only last week but today. I started my new job and one of my staff members worked with Scott and I when we met. He was there at the beginning. I told him the story because he only knew what he had seen on the news. Oh what a great way to start the day and then at lunch to drive past Brazos Children's Center and feel the pull to go inside. Scott has powerful skills but I said not today but someday. I do have something to give to his coworkers but it hasn't all pulled together so that I can do that for them. To tell them thank you for all they have done and for loving him too.

Thank you to all my friends for helping me take one step forward and make it this far without checking me into the psych ward. I'm sure some days I do belong there but nobody will take me!

My Healing Journey

I have so much to say about the trip that it will take me some time to put all the thoughts together from the trip to Walt Disney World. I took this journey without telling many people I was going until the very end. I know that Scott has taught me love is endless and has no boundaries, expectations or conditions. He is part of my soul but there are many people who I have a connection on a level that can't be explained.

Many of those people traveled to Disney with me this week. Many others stayed behind and then of course those connected to my soul that have nothing to do with Disney. So many people that make my life special. Scott has given me a life lesson that I have begun to understand in the depths of my grief. We all operate at different levels but we have bonds that we can't see or understand. We all intermingle in each other's lives without understanding. We have our ups and downs but the true test is being open to love and friendship beyond life.

Many of my Disney friends will understand where this post comes from in my heart. One of my closest friends and I had a huge fight about 18 months ago and then a year ago it escalated into us not speaking and cutting each other out our lives without ever sitting to talk about the issues. We have many similar qualities and we were very good friends. I have been told that Scott's death upset him beyond words and he reached out a bit at that time. We have known each other for 10 years in our chosen family. Scott used to laugh and say, "oh it's just D again!" and hand me my phone when I got a text message. He was excited to someday meet him and his family. Good or bad we both hurt each other without ever taking the time to do what we do best, talk. We walked away from our friendship.

Since Scott died I keep getting these images from Scott of my friend with Scott telling me we needed to forgive each other. In the scope of life a friendship was more important then who was right or wrong. Scott taught me how to love unconditionally. I went to Disney knowing I had to combat my own demons of returning to the last place where Scott and I celebrated our love but I found I had other things I needed to address. I am still tentative about walking head on but I know that life can be over in an instant. I am trying to trust that we can be friends and learn from our mistakes.

My trip was more then the past but is about the future. I know Scott is walking by my side reminding me of the importance of unconditional love. I have so many friends that have given me this during this time, it is up to me to pass it on. Scott loved me to infinity and beyond. I'm still here to love others to infinity and beyond. My family and friends come first! I can walk forward and repair the foundation of friendship that could have been saved in the first place if we do what we have now promised each other - communication and listening. So hugs to my Disney friends who watched the fragile framework begin to repair something that effected our entire group. How is it that we can be so angry at each other and still end up talking, laughing and joking in the middle of all the others. Thank you Scott for giving me the understanding of the power of the connection of souls. We each have a reason to be here and bonds to form that are beyond the power of our human flaws. Love transcends all and there are so many forms. Reach out and forgive.