Alone in a Crowd

"I will set forth on this journey in hope and trust. What more have I to lose? And how much to gain?"

this is from my grief journey daily meditation book. I sat and read this while I waited for people to arrive for my second day of the new job. I think I continue to struggle with the setting forth. I just want to skip to the end or reverse back to where I used to be. I am very hard on myself. I always have been. Why can't I take my lessons about others and apply the knowledge of unconditional love to myself? I'm sitting here writing wishing someone would love me again. Actually as always wishing that it wasn't just someone. Then again I know he still loves me and wants me to be happy. It's just really hard knowing how important I was to him and how he was to me. That kind of power is hard to explain. I want to be important like that - not today but someday.

I am slowly learning to be alone again and actually be okay with the solitude. At Disney World noticed the times surrounded by so many others when I would start to feel myself shut down and withdraw into my own thoughts. This happened on several occasions but the most eventful was after riding Expedition Everest twice in a row then having birds soar overhead. I will explain the adrenaline later. The night before was a night of healing and hope. After the ride we walked over to meet and eat at Flame Tree BBQ. I still struggle with the whole BBQ thing. I went over to the burger place in Dinoland and went back to the eat with the gang. We are really good at saving tables, we have it down to an art form. I was plopped at my table and watched two other tables with backpacks on them. I was talking, laughing and enjoying the company from afar. They were teasing me about sitting all alone. I didn't feel alone, people slowly trickled in and we filled our spots. The all of the sudden the panic started.

It must have been in plain view because Betsy kept looking at me and asking if I was okay. I feel the powers and emotions of others. I couldn't turn them off or block them out at that moment in time. The loneliness bubble surrounded me and wouldn't leave. It is times like this I miss my support from Scott. I looked around and I had support but the one person I needed it from couldn't give it to me and can't. I spiraled the rest of the night. I tried to get myself to a happy place but I couldn't get there. Sometimes you just want someone to touch your hand and walk around taking your mind off all the things that happen.

I sat on the balcony watching the stars making the wish that my heart makes everyday. Scott is with me and loves me to infinity and beyond but I still have to live each day. It has gotten a bit easier but it doesn't mean I like it. I took the easy way out that night. I took my meds and the extra dose I'm to take when the panic is so very bad. I was asleep before I knew it. I think the night was made harder because my phone was acting up because of the AT&T service on overload. I couldn't reach the hands I needed to hold me up. I will make it through all this and as the bad times continue to get fewer I will one day believe in myself again and my love for life and others.