Sands of Time

I sit here watching movies alone. It certainly helps pass the time. Yesterday was hard and very lonely. That is what I feel these days - lonely. Even in a football stadium filled with many thousands of people I feel alone. Scott's seat was empty next to me but he was there. How could he not be with a team like that. Things still happen that I can't explain.

How can a friend send me a gift of a Buzz Lightyear nightlight and it arrive on my day of so many memories in my life? It sent me to a breakdown. So many should have and could have and whys fill my life. Even when I try to stop them I'm thrown into the life of something that isn't my choosing and I'm so not happy with my destiny but I don't get a say. I'm really frustrated and angry with this whole free will thing. I'm really thinking I'm just a little doll that gets moved around. Just like in Toy Story where the toys come to life and think for themselves and move around. This script isn't for me. I want a rewrite.

Today I went with my friend, Rhonda to lunch and then to see our girls play their clarinets in the UIL region band contest. While we sat watching one of the bands formed a heart. She looked and me and said "he is here with you!" Always I know it is always. Then a bit later a butterfly landed on her middle daughter's shoulder and she said, "My Mom is here with us!" The butterfly sat on Emily for a few minutes facing out as if watching the show. Yes her Mom was with us too!

Then I came home and have been alone again. Doing my favorite things, sitting on the couch, playing games on facebook, watching movies. I rented Prince of Persia - Sands of Time. Oh how I wish it were possible to make time return. Why does the movie get to portray him losing his love and then being able to turn back time to get her back again? To change the world? I want magical powers. I want gifts that we must possess we just don't know how to harness them. Life is never going to be easy for me. Life is never going to be that perfect love again. We were perfect for each other. We had magic. He still loves me and I don't have free will. I don't get what I want. I want to stamp my foot, wiggle my nose, blink my eyes and make it all change. Instead I get fake smiles, tears behind closed doors and a large quiet house with only me for company. It's not okay. It will never be okay. Someday I will have fewer tears but not today.