Spirits

Last night was nail biting and wild. It was the best game all season and I sat next to the "empty" seat once again. He is there. My Mom and stepBob came to the game with me and we all agree that one of Scott's places of Heaven has to be at football games. His passion of life. He is there. I can feel his energy with me.

I know some people may think I'm off my rocker but since my psychologist doesn't I'm not in the looney bin. Tonight I remember what we did last time this year. The hayride we took Laynie on with the resident's at my work. He got cold so he "fell off" and rode in the truck following us. We had so much fun. It was a beautiful evening and then we spent a wonderful weekend home together. We always had so much fun together. I miss that so very much.

I try to fill the hours and the days. I'm invited places and I could have gone but I think it is okay to have some time alone. I'm not sure what I'm doing and it can become hard to endure but I need a break from being around others. Tonight I sit like the crazy cat lady with my beautiful loving kitty snuggling me and watching movies. I try to pick things that won't be huge reminders but I've come to the conclusion that "what might have been" always begins to play in my head. I didn't put up any of the Halloween decorations and tomorrow the lights will stay out and I will hide.

Last year we hid because we didn't have the girls. He was so good at romance. We always came up with the crazy fun things to do. I have the best memories that I treasue. It still doesn't stop the tears and I can't live in the past but that seems to be where I will be stuck for some time. Moving on is happening slowly but it is like watching water boil. I don't really want to move on right now so slow is fine by me.

I have a large gap in my world and I don't know what to plant there. I will continue being me. I will figure out where I'm supposed to be, right now I backstep to the couch and hang out watching old movies. I did however cook for myself tonight but only because I didn't have the energy to leave the house. I miss my partner, my love, and the future that will never be. What a way to celebrate Halloween, with my own personal spirit. His love continues to surround me, protect me, and guide me to where I'm not sure. I embrace the thought that someday we will be together again.