Questioning Parts of Faith

My dear friend Lisa completed her ordination today for her church. She invited Hannah and I to attend. Yesterday had been a long day but I couldn't stay at home and not go. Lisa has been one of those people who has walked beside me, holding my hand through the last six months. Hannah and I were there. I sat down into a very small welcoming church and immediately began to cry. I felt the peace and joy of this day before Lisa even arrived.

The parable was about being the best teacher you can be, except in the end it wasn't just about the classroom but life and your own children. I sat there holding Hannah's hand with tears rolling down my face. Hannah is my reason for being here. I have to get her to the amazing person I know she is and will be. She has a strength and wisdom inside her that I can only dream of possessing. My life is about her. I don't care about meeting someone else or doing anything else right now. I can provide for her and get her to where she can take care of herself. After that happens I can be whatever or do whatever. It won't matter then.

As I sat in Church I realized, I finally realized who I'm mad at. Who I don't want to hear anything about. I've not been mad at God or Scott. I'm mad because Scott died on Easter Sunday. I'm want to hear nothing about Jesus. I pray to God but I can't even acknowledge Jesus. I have my faith. It has been deeply sewn into the fabric of my existence. I can believe that God does exist but I don't want to hear about Jesus. His story, his journey, his death. Scott died a death that was horrible and he was alone. Why would that be allowed to happen. Why did he have to die that way. What was the point. I want answers that I know will never come. I feel God's love and light. I know Scott is part of his love and light but really Easter Sunday.

Why weren't we given a chance to do more with our life together? I know we always said that we took a leap of faith to be together. That we didn't want to die knowing that we didn't share our love with others. We got to do that. I know we did so much. I know everyone who saw us knew that but the time was not long enough. Now I can only have the knowledge that I'm here for Hannah. That she is my reason for being here. I will continue in my spiritual journey and path. That is something very deep and personal that it hard to share with others. Today I watched one of my dearest friends, one of the other people I'm connected, put her faith in God. I've done that too but there are some parts of faith that I will continue to do battle with for the rest of my life.