No promises

Are there enough hours on the weekend. I don't think so but then again if there were I'd never leave the house. I'm trying to keep up and be involved in life but it is so easy to hide. I still have support but the constant checking is fading and I'm fading into myself more and more. I'm hard on myself but the life we had was so viable and vibrant. We rarely stopped. There was always something going on in our life. We had planned so much out. We had planned so far out and I'm hitting all these dates for events.

We are given no promises in life. I know I have to keep moving and going for Hannah. It is very sad that for myself just doesn't matter to me anymore. I am still battling the depression. I really don't ever seeing it going away with all of the events that have crossed my life. I have questions everyday and there will really be no answers while I'm still here. I can't get there yet but someday.

Is it horrible that I want to fade away and float up to the love of forever? I just continue to do what I can do with each day I'm given. I know if our roles would have been reversed, if I had died during that surgery that Scott would have been devastated too. I know that because we talked about it all so many times. We shared everything. We kept no secrets and loved to infinity and beyond. It just the sound of his voice and the touch of his hand being gone makes enjoying life a chore I have to force myself to endure.

I watched Hannah's netflix selection last night, REMEMBER ME with Robert Pattinson. I wasn't prepared for the entire story, the end! I sob and sob. How do I select a headstone that means something to Laynie and Hannah? How do I keep his memory going for Laynie? The three years we had together as our family are full of memories of that she needs to keep, that only Hannah and I can give her. The details of swimming in the ocean, seeing the turtles, playing pirate, reading in bed and all the other little things that make up the love he has for her. I know we all want him to be here in person. I do get angry and I do yell at him for walking out of this house but it doesn't change anything. I don't feel sorry for myself I do however continue to feel lost.

I know it won't ever go away. It won't really be easier but I will learn to hide it better from all of the rest of the world. Faking it until you make it to those looking at me but not in my heart. My lonely heart knows the power of true love and having that ripped away in what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life! I get to be sad and cry. I will fake it for the rest of you but sitting here on the couch alone means I get to cry whenever I want. I miss our day to day life. I miss our weekends with the girls. I miss the weekends of just the two of us and all the days in between. Going from being together all the time to having so little is a huge daily struggle. I'm trying but not always getting there.