A Morose Kind of Day

I have been very down and sad today. Just an overall rough day. I'm sure it has everything to do with my friend Betsy and her family having the memorial service for Mom today. There are some emotions you just can't or don't want to turn off for others and can feel them. I understand and it is okay to have all the feeling she has. I've been there and for the most part I am still there.

I've still had estate business to take care of and clear up. It seems like when I get something taken care of something else pops up. I do what I can do when I feel like it. I know what was supposed to happen but I also know what I have to deal with isn't the way Scott wanted it but I can try as best as possible. I made it by the bank and have an appointment for myself to set up some things we were trying to set up before all this happened. His financial planner and I finally got to meet today. She said she'd seen him in the grocery store a few weeks before he died and he told her how he wanted it all set up. I knew that story. He spoke very highly of her and my sweet loving Scott was excited for her to meet me. It is so funny to hear those little stories. I remember the day he came home telling me he'd seen her in the store. I miss hearing all the things from his day. The kids, coworkers and just the crazy stuff he'd eat for lunch.

I took Hannah to her band practice and came home to be a vegetable on the couch for a while. I started looking at something and ended up reading the group Facebook page where Scott was missing and where we found him that day. I know I must have read it before because I made comments on some stuff but I don't remember most of it. I sat here reading and the tears streamed down my face and onto his Longhorn blanket we made for him for Christmas. I got a good cry in followed by some mint Oreo cookies (he hated Mint and chocolate mixed) and then I was able to move forward.

Again I went to pick up H from school the radio which I have avoided for weeks by playing my classical station (doesn't work we have several classical songs too) but I was punching the different buttons and there he was wrapping me in the melodies. I know he wants me to be happy and I'm trying. I'm the only one who can get through all and put myself in a place where the smiles aren't always hiding the pain. My staff told me today when I walk into the gym I'm always smiling. I'm getting somewhere, I don't understand but I'm getting there.