Just under the surface

I do have good moments. I try to be out there and live. I get through each day and my goal is no longer just getting out of bed, at least not always. I'm still craving my secure, comfortable life. I'm not sure if I will ever feel that way again. To have someone ripped so suddenly from your life just makes the panic of never having security again very dominate. It is the medicines that get me through those feelings of panic. I can't tell you if I will ever feel that security again. I want to feel it but well not today but someday.

The feelings are always just below the surface but the days that are the hardest are when those feelings come out in other ways. I got home tonight and the gate latch was ONCE AGAIN broken. Mike had geri-rigged the screws and Hannah had slammed the gate. I was just about to come completely unglued. The feelings of missing Scott all day long just surfaced into something that isn't even related to what is really there. I stood there crying and talking to him, asking him to tell me why he left me like this. I don't have answers but those feelings are there.

Last night Hannah and I went to one of her friends home for the girls to trick-or-treat. I visited with Laura, her friend's mom. It is nice to make new friends. Scott gave me that skill. He broke me out to where I could function and socialize with others but it took him dying to convince me of that. I was driving over to their house when the memories of how we spent last Halloween and the Halloween the year before together. I didn't do any of the decorations we have. Just not in the mood to go that far. I didn't get out the Mickey pumpkin, or pass out candy. I don't know if I will ever do any of those things again. He loved that I loved going all out for the holidays. He was right there helping me decorate. Waiting until the last minute to line the sidewalk with skulls and pumpkins to welcome the trick-or-treaters so Laynie could be here to help. Hanging ghosts in the tress just where Hannah and Laynie told him to put them.

Memories are powerful and hard to think you can ever make new ones. New ones were always possible when Scott was alive now I just try to keep from sinking into depression and live each day I'm given.