Christmas Wish List

All I want for Christmas.... Is bigger then words can capture but I'll settle for some smaller things. Hannah wrote out what I consider the funniest list ever. She knows her wants and needs that's for sure. It is hard to focus on those things but I keep thinking about how I was always the one to coordinate every one's needs and make sure they all loved Christmas. Scott was like a kid in a candy store last Christmas. He kept opening box after box of new shirts. Hey Academy had a sale. He kept thinking that was all he was getting but finally we said pull one out and hold it up. Yes I'm sneaky that way. Inside each box was another gift tucked into the shirts. The girls had magical Christmas' too. My philosophy has always been the holiday was for them. Sure we shared the reason for Christmas. I loved watching their eyes light up and them go to bed the night before in their new matching PJ's. I have the best pictures of them sitting by the tree.

Scott took care of me too. He made sure I had the best gifts. I didn't care I loved watching them all in the magic and joy of Christmas. So that brings me to the my Christmas wish list for this year. I want to be taken care of. I don't want to ask anyone though. I want Santa's elves to magically appear and take care of all the pain and grief that putting up the tree takes from me. I want to be able to listen to Christmas music and not cry myself out. I want the packages to be wrapped and under the tree. I want to not want to pull all the bulbs out of the neighbors lights.

I do want to experience Christmas today. Notice I said today! I just can't do it myself. I have to share that I figured out how to celebrate Thanksgiving for myself a week later. Tonight Hannah and I were at the grocery store. I bought a few of my favorite Thanksgiving comfort foods to make for myself this weekend. I can have a tiny turkey, little bowl of dressing, fresh mashed potatoes, baby green bean casserole and my pink fluff salad. Who needs the huge todo that comes with lots of family and hoopla. It won't be the romance with my love but I know I'm still his heart and he'll be here with me. Scott was always telling me he loved me because I didn't think about myself, making sure others were happy but it was okay to take time to be happy for myself. I'm not that perfect I do have my selfish moments. I got the guy and enjoyed our private moments always (big grin). He spoiled me but I didn't take that for granted. I just don't ever see that happening ever again.

I want the one thing I can never have again. I want to sit and throw a fit and get my way but it doesn't work that way. So I can comfort myself looking at the first rose he gave me picked from my own bush out front. I can look at my rings and know that each sparkle of a diamond is his way of telling me how much he loves me. I can feel his love just not the concrete way but so very abstract. It's a good thing I believe in the power of light and love!