Open Your Eyes

"Open your eyes and see those things which are around us at this hour." - Richard Jeffries

This is still very hard to do. I know there are lots of things around me but I also know it really is okay to stand in the moment and remember the life that was. I know I'm not yet ready to move things are get rid of things. I have tried and it sends me into a panic.

I am promising that I won't be ten years down the road and still sitting here surrounded by all our memories of the last years in this house. Right now I'm good but I don't need panic. I'm just now learning to control the episodes and move forward. Our house is my comfort zone.

I look at the Christmas pictures from last year and know I need to have new ones taken of Hannah and I. It is our reality now. I know what my reality is. I'm still not happy with it but I do know reality. I treasure our life together, the memories in this house. All the mushy stuff, our first kiss, our first date, holding hands, the fight in the kitchen and the last time he sat on the couch and told me "it's okay, I love you!" Yes love was never in doubt. That is what I hang onto. Someday I will be okay. Someday I won't have to struggle with putting his things away. Someday I will be able to live where he would want me to be. Our love does mean infinity and beyond.

Now if someone can please explain why the cat is fixated on the craft room and most specifically the closet where my wedding dress is hanging out of sight in the bag? I follow her in and she goes straight to closet. I open the door touch the dress, she walks out and is okay. If I don't she stands in the hall outside the door and meows crazy at me until I put her out or do what she says!