I'm the Grinch

Yup this is the worst time of the year in what was my favorite time of the year. I'm just super blah. I know it happens. I know I'm not the first person to ever be here. Just that each person journey through the these times is personal. I expected to struggle through the holidays but I didn't expect to be slammed by food. That food would cause this intense longing and misery. How do I really find myself through the next five weeks? I guess I will do it just like the last eight months - one day at a time.

It is so very hard to believe that it is all gone but things and memories. I would trade all my gifts and treats from him just to have him back. Sounds so cliche but it is so very true. Nope my nose wiggles but it doesn't have magic powers attached to it. My ponytail bounces but it doesn't have a genie bottle that makes the worlds problems solved in half and hour.

I am home and finding my comfort zone and the things I can handle. Now the free pass for Christmas is sitting there. If I take it what does that mean for me? I'm not sure. I do know it means my house isn't Santa's workshop. I miss that but I have to see if I'm okay with the pain attached to so many ornaments. The memories with other ornaments are joyous and loving though. Seems silly but is it fair to the happy memories and ornaments to keep them hidden in the boxes. Does it seem fair to keep the final present I bought for my dad hidden away when for 11 years it has been under the tree just for him? Losing my Dad was so very different then losing Scott.

Losing someone at the climb of love versus the end of a long happy life together. I won't ever know the long happy life together. And by the way does the TV really have to show so many (insert curse word here) diamond jewelry commercials with women in their wedding dresses? Where are the television programs for those who need help and support? I need warm fuzzies even more now.

Today though I discussed the possibility of deciding to be completely alone on Christmas with my counselor. Don't have a cow. She thought I could handle it if that is how I decide to use my free pass because I am good at asking for help when I need it. I don't know yet if that is my decision because she also told me it is okay for me to change my mind daily until Christmas day arrives. I will keep trying to hit it head on just like I've done everything else but this seems like it might just be easier to hide from it. Next year though I will have to face it so I might as well make steps just like I've done with everything else. This grief process is going to take me years. I can fake it for a bit but well sometimes it is just is nice to be sitting in my spot on the couch watching mind numbing TV playing on facebook. The there are moments where I feel Scott urging me to put up our small tree and remember all our love.

I'm a seesaw of emotions. In my own time I will conquer each one of them and find my new place in life because well it isn't time for my expiration date to be up no matter how much I wish it to be. I have learned it isn't possible to wish your life away. I can't make myself disappear into the afterlife. I've tried but somehow it just isn't my time. So I will face Christmas as I can in my own time. Right now it is struggling to watch (cuss word) Christmas commercials! Maybe tomorrow it will be something else! Maybe I will be able to listen to more then three Christmas songs without crying. Maybe I will be able to walk outside and see the neighbors lights and not cry. Maybe I will get out the small tree and put ornaments on it. Maybe I will fix myself a small thanksgiving meal this weekend when I'm alone!