Carpet Cleaning

I haven't written for the last two days. Not because I don't want to but time and Hannah's activities have gotten in the way. Last night I came home from seeing the HS musical. I'm just the driver. I take Hannah and if it weren't for great friends and other parents sitting next to me I would have been alone. For a bit I was alone in the crowd of others. Sitting there with my memories and wishes. That seems to be what I have left. I didn't sleep last night well but I slept for hours. Twelve to be exact. I went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 2pm. Nothing wrong with that I suppose.

I wasn't planning on doing anything today. I have some paperwork to do for work but well somehow that just sits in the car. I was very restless today and unable to sit still. I'm worried about a dear friend who I would do anything for but I feel helpless. I cleaned instead but not my logical self. I was jumping from thing to thing. I don't like this antsy feeling. I did a bit of laundry, took out the trash, rinsed some dishes but I didn't complete one household chore. Then I pulled out the magic erasers that Scott bought the day he died. It has been on the Wal-mart list and he picked them up. We were supposed to wipe down the doors and the frames. It didn't get done in April but today I did a few of them.

Then suddenly the carpet was getting on my nerves. Did you know that carpet can be annoying. The task I kept saying to him I wanted to do on Saturday for Sunday was clean the living room carpet. It was my honey do list but somehow he had to mess with the palm trees. It's just one of those things I keep saying to myself "if only" but I can't change the past I know that. I can't stand that feeling the thousands of questions I have each day about how I would like to change the past.

Today I did a chore he should have been here to help me complete. We should be celebrating life together not just me mourning his passing. I feel so lost and lonely most days. I'm capable of living and taking care of myself but I don't like it. I finished the carpet but it didn't make him appear before me. It didn't make him come back. I didn't stop the pain in my heart or the worry in my head. I'm doing things but it just seems like a waste of effort to try real hard. I will make it keeping busy. I will take one step at a time because it is not my day today but someday all these steps will lead us back to each others arms.