Throwing in the Towel

Yesterday was a sad day yes. The High School Football has come to an end for the season but all the student should be honored to have made it as far as they have. I know they all kept me going and they didn't even know they did.

Tonight I've realized that yes I love my family but hitting things head on or doing something new isn't always the best plan of action. I'm here at my parents and when I need comfort it doesn't happen. I know they love me but I think I needed to be alone. I could have just had another day like any other. In my home I can ignore the rest of the world for a time and find the energy to continue. To be out in the world. The holiday stuff is no longer for me. I can honestly say that most things aren't for me but I can put up a front. That only lasts for so long. I don't know what it will take but I keep trying.

I'm done trying for the moment but I can't find comfort. The tears are just under the surface and I can't make it right now. I can't comfort myself and I've become so adept at doing just that. Now I know how much I've gone through and that I'm not truly alone but there are now words to explain the intense loneliness and sometimes words from others just don't help. The person who helped me most is gone. I need him to hold me in his arms and let me cry. I need him to find a reason to run an errand from my Mom's house so that I have something to eat. We would always need to do something together when we were here so I could eat. It was also a way to spend quiet time alone together. I miss him so much and I can't find comfort. I can't find the words to explain the intense pain that has wandered back full force.

Last year I missed Grandma but that pain is so very different. Each year I remember my Dad. This year there is no comfort, no joy in watching others celebrate and walk into what was once my favorite time of year. Yesterday I was in the laundry room at my house where I see the Disney Train set we bought to set up under the Disney tree under "our" tree. The tree we bought together. Just to much. I'm really ready to throw in the towel but I have no place to throw it. No one to old me and find a scheme to get me a cheeseburger. I have whole wheat nasty dry pasta and salad with craisins and other yuck in it. It really sucks to know how very alone I am. Even with my well meaning family I'm alone and it wasn't supposed to be this way. We took care of each other. We had each other's back. When others drove us nuts we made it together. Because you know everyone has family that you love but it is better in short periods of time. When you have that love Scott and I shared you do anything for each other to make sure they are happy. I'm don't have that and now I can't comfort myself. I throw in the towel on this holiday season. It doesn't exist and you can't make me believe celebrating is really even worth it.