Good Mother

Tonight at Bereavement Support Group we discussed Guilt in Grief. Guilt is a horrible emotion to deal with during this horrible time of life. We all have times of guilt in life but this time is so hard to deal with. I've felt those feelings. I can generally move over them but they do come back sometimes. My logical self knows but my emotional self thinks a different way. I know we had our moments of not perfect times. What relationship doesn't have moments of frustration or annoyances? If we didn't then we wouldn't have been living and loving. The problem is Scott and I counterbalanced each other. When he was not thinking logically I was there to be a voice of reason, when I was emotional he was there to ground me. That is gone and I'm trying to learn how to ground myself. I'm good if I'm crazy busy but I can't just throw myself into exhaustion.

My MS has given me physical boundaries that I can't overstep because it may shorten my life. I know my physical limits. The worst times of the day are waking up in the morning and knowing this is the life I didn't want and going to bed at night alone. I miss snuggling and talking about the day. I miss our personal quiet time together. Now I just have memories that would make for a wonderful romance novel. I can't be the Time Traveler's Wife even if I wish hard enough he doesn't appear in his physical form before me. That movie too had a tragic ending. I sat in Scott's arms sobbing and telling him how much I loved him.

He died knowing how much I love him. The last text messages that we sent back and forth we just those words of love. Now I just have to deal with the crappy life that I don't want and that is where my guilt is because I have so many people who love me and care for me. Scott wasn't perfect but he was my other half and I miss that feeling of complete love. I want to be held and know there is just he and I in that moment of time once again. But the feeling of being touched is so limited the tears roll down my face and onto Scott's shirt I'm wearing. The last shirt he slept in and the shirt I put on when he was missing to attempt to sleep.

Tonight I'm adding items to my busy schedule to keep myself going. To keep the depression at bay. I'm being a good mom. I baked two dozen cupcakes with the help of Hannah to feed the band tomorrow night before our away game. Tomorrow I will also make the two crock pots of chili I signed up to deliver and also serve the kids before they board the buses. Then I will ride to the game and cheer on the kids. I may die of exhaustion but it keeps me going. It keeps me from being a depressed, anxious mess. I'm learning to cope but still trying to figure out how to accept my new life. So I will continue being the best Mom for Hannah because she is what I have to live for.