I Wish I May

I made it home tonight. Does that count for something? Eating not so much fun. I most of the time don't have the energy to really eat. I still try but food is so bluck. When it is just me why bother. Tonight was PB&J. It is so much fun to try to make yourself eat. I have had problems before Scott passed away but now it is just hard to even think about food. He made sure I was eating now no one really notices if I eat chocolate for dinner or for that matter eat at all.

I do eat but not much at a time and I've discovered that my pickiness is bordering on obsessive. Well you know we are all crazy in some way but my psychosis comes out in food and the panic attacks. Maybe that is why I love my cozy little home world where I can hide for bits of quiet. Today I had to talk to a friend of Scott's for the first time. One of those people that had heard but just didn't know what to say to me. I wouldn't know what to say to me! I hate how my world has changed.

I'm miserable on the inside but keeping it together for everyone else. We have this patient room at work where it has a bad feeling to it. A place that you put a patient and they die. Yesterday I wanted to volunteer for my office to be in that room. I have promised that I won't do myself in but you know if that is really the curse of the room I'd take that chance! I have a bad case of depression and yes I'm taking my medicines but well happiness just isn't ever going to be a reality for me. Just when I find it in a depth books are written of, I get my heart ripped out.

Yes my heart is very broken. I'm sorry you have to listen to my horrible sadness tonight. I have tried the things I know that work for my comfort, warm bath, reading, frontierville and now House Hunters. Nothing is working I wish real sleep was possible. I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight! I used to love being alive now I'm just going through the motions. That is just how I'm living these days.