Marching Along

Today I met a woman who lost her husband 20 years ago. I don't want to be like her. She was very nice but sad and bitter. She talked of other women friends that has lost spouses that remarried and she didn't think that was right. She was still holding on to her grief. I don't want to have my grief define the rest of my life.

I want my love for Scott to define me. It is the positive. I'm most usually the positive and that is what I'm trying to continue being. I have to face the grief to keep finding the positive. I have had the choice to make to live forward. It isn't easy most days but I am trying. I don't want to end up like that woman, sad and alone.

I have to keep making it through each day. I do have things to look forward too. They aren't the same without Scott but I try to get there. Today I watched the little Christmas Parade that Hannah marched in. I was amazed that it was 45 minutes long. The wind chill was a bit nippy for my ears but I did smile and laugh. My only moment of tears were watching the vet's office float stop right in front of me being pulled by the White Toyota Tundra. I couldn't help from crying. It was agonizing two minutes. I will have to deal with that panic inducing fear someday. Maybe I just need to buy one to get over the fear. Who knows. I do know I can deal with the fears in each little bit of time where I can tolerate and move forward.

Now that I conquered the Christmas decorations my next step is the actual time itself. I will make it. I want to keep finding peace. I have to take it one step at a time. Just as today. The last time I watched the HS band march in a parade was sitting on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom with Scott. I keep telling myself of all the memories that are embedded in my head is the foundation of the love we share. That love will get me to a point in my life that I'm happy. I don't know the exact destination but I won't have to be bitter, sad and alone. I have to say the band was really adorable in their Santa Hats marching down the street but I was certainly fondest of my beautiful Santa Mickey girl. She keeps me headed in the right direction. The Christmas season is about my love for her and so many others. That is what will help me make it to the next step.