Press Pause

"Love is the heartbeat of all life" - Paramahansa Yogananda

"The love we lavished on the one who is gone continues to move toward that person. But in our sorrow love seems to extend itself, and in tenderhearted compassion we recognize how bound together we are are - life to life, fragment to fragment, love to love." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

So as I come home today from work where I'm supported by the love of a friend I find myself alone. I curl up into my jammies and spend some quality time lounging on the couch in front of the TV. The lights on the tree are shining and I feel the love beaming from the twinkles. I like my quiet time. I miss Hannah too. I'm glad that I have gotten this far but really did I have to be here. I'd rather be lavishing my heart and soul.

I guess I keep moving forward but when I see other people's lives I get stuck sometimes. I get stuck in the sadness of the pain in my heart. Most of the time I'm able to move forward and I know it is okay for me to have times when I'm in pause mode. Just like with the TV - pause the DVR - pause my life for a bit. I'm not sure where I'm going tonight but I am here. I am where I'm supposed to be for the moment. I'm making plans and in 20 days I will get a new adventure. I will have the presence of Scott with me. I have no doubt he isn't ever very far from me. He is waiting and loving us always.

I will get through this week. It was another planned weekend for us. We had scheduled our time with the girls so we had New Year's alone together again this year. We had plans so many plans. Someday I will go back to our spot and I will hold him in my heart. Not yet our place for just the two of us is in my heart. I feel the push from him to go but it is a gentle push not like before where I was to get things done immediately. I will find the path just tonight it stop at the couch again. It's the love from the heart that counts all the year round. I have that love forever to infinity and beyond. Scott gave me love that will never be replaced.