Bouncing Bases

Today was the final grief support group meeting for this time around. We have covered all the grief bases. The only thing with grief is that it doesn't run with the rules in any order. It keeps bouncing around and you just never know where it's going to land. Today's topic was acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean that I'm okay with everything that happens. It means that I know Scott's physical death happened and my life is forever changed. I don't have to like it but I do have to keep taking the steps to live forward.

I grieve all the time. I put my needs out there. I've learned how to be alone. What I'm struggling with are the traditions old and new that are so foreign to me now. Starting new ones right now isn't an option for me. I'm back to living each day at a time. I am doing so much better then I was but this time of the year was very special for me even before Scott. With Scott in our lives it became even more magical. The holidays for me are about love, family and sharing. That is the true meaning when you sort through all the different beliefs out there. I'm learning how to make it through each step but sometimes there are spots in my life that I just need to be cared for. I'm the organizer, planner and the one who makes sure everyone knows they are wanted and loved. Not just at the holidays but all year. Scott was that person for me. We understood each other and now I have to learn how to live forward without his physical presence. Trust me he is still reaching out to me but in different ways.

It is very hard to instantly lose someone who was so affectionate. We were always hugging and kissing. Hannah taught Laynie how to say "gross, get a room!" but then Hannah would smile and laugh. Do you even know how isolating it is not to have that physical contact? I got a hug from our dentist yesterday! He hugged me tight and told me to call if we needed anything. He is a member of our church and has been our family dentist for 14 years. It sunk in after that hug how much I miss Scott's everyday love. Those memories are there but I miss the touch. Pillows length ways in the bed give me something to hug but it is lonely. I miss Scott. I do accept that he gone. I'm okay with the alone times in my house. I don't like it but I've accepted it.

I will continue to make it through the variety of grief bases and I've learned how to step back from life and regroup but there continue to be times where the pain is heavier then others. I don't think I'm doing too bad with myself. Hannah was at church stuff tonight so I ran errands. My positive note for the day was going to Wal-mart and actually being in the store for 30 minutes without anyone with me! I don't sit and cry all the time. I have people who see me everyday that keep telling me how proud they are of me. Right now I have given myself permission to not take care of anyone but Laynie, Hannah and myself. Whatever else happens will just be extra. I'm given today and I try to make the most out of it. Someday I will look back at who I am right now and know I made it further then I ever thought I would. I know this because I'm different then I was six months ago!