The Dishwaher

What do you do when the world comes crashing around you? I happen to know the answer not because of Scott's death. I knew that answer long before he and I ever met. So you see 11 years ago my Father died and three weeks later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I know how to get off my bobo and live forward. It's just that I keep getting kicked. How does anyone keep getting up? I know I'm not the only one in the world who goes through this stuff? It just feels so very lonely sometimes.

One of my MS things is fatigue. If I don't watch it I'm dead to the world. The last few weeks have been rough emotionally. Those emotions end coming out some how. I try to keep then explored and dealt with but sometimes I can't avoid it. Last night I went to bed with a migraine. I took meds and woke up worse then I was when I went to bed. I have had a nice migraine which leads to the right side of my face swelling and feeling like rubber. Don't be shocked. I've gotten used to it over the years and I know how to deal with it. The part I don't care for is the dizziness and the weak muscles. Makes living a little less fun. So today I did what I know to do. SLEPT ALL DAY!

Works for me because it is what I know. Now the part that frustrates me is that is all I know. Just like loosing Scott. It is all I now know. Reality has shifted. I know my reality isn't the only shift in the world. I can take care of myself but when I was in the hospital and dying the person I saw when I woke in the ICU was Scott. Now I know that when I see him again it will mean something different. Why was I given another chance at life only to be going through this. Scott used to tell me he wouldn't have been able to handle losing me. Now here I am finding whatever the heck it takes to deal with losing him.

So here I am, fighting with my body to cooperate. I don't really have control of anything in my life. My body does what it wants and I learn how to make it work. That is really hard to do when I'm an detail oriented organizer. Oh well I guess it's like the dishwasher. If someone else takes the time to load it just wash them don't go back and rearrange them. I can't fix my MS, I can't return Scott to his physical self and I really wish I could afford to hide from the rest of the world but I can't so I close the dishwasher and press start. I just hope it all comes out clean!