Scott's Socks!

"Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand then in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us - and through them we come to understand ourselves- in new ways too." - Frederick Buechner

This is from my grief meditation book! Imagine that. I'm faithful in reading it but I don't always have a comment. This passage was very profound for me. The author goes on to speak about we think of our immediate relationship as ended but we know we will continue to remember and grieve.

"But as we dwell in memory on our experiences with the one who is phsically gone, his or her psychic presence, rather than being confined to the body knew and loved, seems somehow to expand and surround us with its gentle understanding, its compassion and love."

I feel that all the time. I'm glad that I have been so open to this spiritual possibility. I do believe I have been able to open myself up to conversations that happen without words. I describe them but I'm not sure I always do them justice. The magnitude of the impact of these seemingly random events are filled with so much love. I have learned in my "new world" that I don't think for granted. I appreciate each day that I have and I treasure each memory.

I've been thinking a lot about all of Scott's favorite things. I've been keeping a tally in my head. You know the general ones, color, sports teams, those kinds of things but it's the random ones that have come up for me lately. It happened very strongly last week when I experienced being shoved head on into the Christmas Lights Spectacle in Highland Park. The seemingly random songs playing on the radio. Generally I have been able to listen to the Holiday Pops channel in the car because it is mainly instrumental. I know most of the words anyway but if I don't hear them I can control the tears. Sometimes the station will have a lineup with words from a choir. Last week as I'm driving around searching I hear first my favorite Christmas song and then right after his favorite song. My song and his song together. I choose to think the event wasn't random. I was supposed to put the pieces together.

There isn't a person that Scott didn't meet who doesn't know his favorite color or favorite sports teams but the details of even narrower favorites like Christmas songs make me smile and know how special our relationship still is to both of us. The one that makes me laugh is the random favorite of how he put his socks on everyday. I can still see him doing his little routine. I won't share because he would find someway to torture me forever! But I get to laugh. So if you come upon me smiling randomly and chuckling to myself I just may be picturing Scott and his socks. And because I don't get to touch the physical Scott, I will settle for wearing his long sleeve shirt and feeling his hug that way.