I'm not good enough...

Do you know how hard it is to tell someone exactly what you want to do for Christmas, ask them to take care of it because you can't and then have tell you that you really don't need to be around your own daughter for Christmas because it would be too upsetting for her? I did exactly what my counselor told me to do! I haven't been able to get Mike to hear me so my assignment was to tell my mother exactly what I felt I needed and have her talk to him to coordinate schedules so I could be where I think I need to be - with my daughter. I give up. Christmas just isn't happening for me I guess.

I can't talk about it without crying. I tell two people that I need to be with Hannah but I need to be in a space where if I become overwhelmed I can step aside and just be alone. I don't know what else to do. I guess I will just take care of myself like always. I know I am the only one who has control of me. I'm not asking for a forever but a day or weekend. Just like my great friends did for me six months ago on my wedding weekend. They took me by the hand and took care of me. When I needed to cry they held me and let me cry.

So I guess my family feels my daughter needs to be with her dad and stepmom without me around. My own mother believes that I'm just to horrible to be around for my daughter. That my sadness to be on my own. I can't even talk about Christmas without crying. I'm doing really well to get through each day until then. It will happen. I have done things I didn't know I had the strength to do, the tree is up with our special decorations, Scott and Laynie's stockings are on the fireplace mantle with Hannah and mine, gifts are bought with a few more left to do. Today I offered to make some Mickey heads for a friend. That means I have to open my Scrapbook room and use it. Not just walk in get something out and leave.

I've promised not to give up on life. I've gotten through so many days I feel like giving up. This just makes me want to buy a ticket to wherever and disappear for a few days. Just be alone without telling anyone where I am. The problem is I'm not a mean or self-centered person but really Southwest.com is calling my name as is some fancy hotel somewhere to be determined. Oh where do I want to see!