Living Force of Hope

"When everything is dark, when we are surrounded by despairing voices, when we do not see any exits, then we can find salvation in a remembered love, a love which is not simply a recollection of a bygone past but a living force which sustains us in the present. Through memory, love transcends the limits of time and offers hope at any moment of our lives." -Henri Nouwen

This statement is so very true. Those memories get me through the darkest moments of my time alone. I have hope because I know Scott is here in my heart. That love will always be there for me. I've been working on Laynie's Christmas gifts. It is just so very hard doing all these things we did together last year. Christmas wasn't perfect but we tried. Scott and I both believed our girls shouldn't have to suffer because their parents couldn't make it work. With that said, Christmas is about love and sharing and that magic belongs to the girls. We invited everyone that mattered to Christmas at our home. It wasn't easy but we tried. Everything didn't go as planned but it was for the girls so we did the best we could with the personalities involved.

The girls got to have Christmas with both sets of their parents. We didn't know it at the time but that was the last time for that to happen. Laynie will never have Scott again. I do know that I'm not the only one who suffers. Therefore I think it is my responsibility to help Laynie know all the memories I carry in my heart of the love Scott has for all three of us. We did so many things together as a family. We worked very hard to make magical memories for the girls. We had so many plans to continue to make those memories for the girls.

Christmas is about light and love. Christmas is about more then gifts and buying things. We all need to take the time to create memories. Leave your comfort zone and give with all of your heart. Make a difference to someone. Laynie is my daughter in my heart. The love I have for Scott is there along with the love I have for Laynie. We were a family and it is so hard feeling as if I've lost them both some days. I want Laynie to know Hannah and I are here to help her forever know the love of Daddy and make those memories have a life of their own. The love I have for Scott, Hannah and Laynie make me find the hope to make this daily journey.