Resting My Weary Head

This morning on my way to work I passed a puppy that had been run over. Standing over him/her licking it was another puppy. He was standing in the middle of the road watching the cars pass. I couldn't stop because of where I was in the traffic but the impact was huge. This puppy looked incredibly sad and lost. He'd lost his brother/sister. He was looking around for someone to help him but he just stood there in the middle of the traffic. I can relate.

Life moves on around me yet here I am still stuck in the middle of the road with the cars zooming past. I'm living but it is very exhausting at times. I went to counseling this afternoon. I didn't go back to work because I was so exhausted. I took the rest of the afternoon off and did something I rarely do. I took a nap without the aid of any sleep medication. I slept hard with really deep dreams. I must have needed to work through some issues in my heart because these dreams were so powerful.

I still wonder if life wouldn't be easier if we had rules for grief and morning. Victorian times they had mourning times so that others recognized the loss and they helped each other. I know grief doesn't follow time frames. I know this journey is different for each person but sometimes it would be nice to not have to repeat this tradegic story. I know it has made it easier to say. It is called desentization but really it may allow me to tell the story without crying but it doesn't stop the pain that rips through my heart.

As I sit here watching Hannah wrap Laynie's gifts and I see the paper leftover from Scott's gifts last year. We wrapped every single gift that was his in Buzz Lightyear/Toy Story paper. He loved picking up the packages from under the tree and commenting on how many he had. Now I sit looking at the paper and it is just something else I have to work through. I'm doing it but today I had to shut it all out for a bit. I shut the world out for a bit. It's okay I love you keeps replaying in my head. I know he loves me and I know I will get through this year of firsts without him. I will learn what all that means. When you are a baby all your firsts are documented by your parents. It is all meaningful to them but you don't know any different. This year of firsts is meaningful to me but I do know the differnce. I would go backwards in a heartbeat. Instead I took a break and rebuilt my energy supplies. I will do it.

I will survive. I will make it to the end of this year of crappy firsts. I can do this because I'm stronger then what I feel sometimes. We are all stronger then what we feel! Mortality sucks for those of us left behind!