Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. Today was quiet but I was joined by Hannah, my parents, Mike and Pamela. My niece called and we talked to her a bit. It is funny because she is the only I know who just asks or says point blank stuff about Scott. She asked me if we had seen Laynie and how she was doing! Then she asked what I got for Christmas and she said that would have been for Uncle Scott! I was surrounded by love just a different kind.

My beautiful daughter had my friend Rhonda buy a giant stuffed Buzz at the grocery store. She got it in the house and wrapped. I got a beautiful Precious Moments statue that I specifically requested. It is two angels hugging that says "Love is Always With Us." I brings tears to my eyes because that is correct. It will now sit next to the bestest of my collection that I received last year from Scott, A bride and groom wearing Mickey Ears! That says it all we loved each other forever and the stupid castle was just a formality.

Hannah is so funny as she was opening gifts she would say thank you Mommy on mine. It wasn't Mom or Mother! I think she had a very good Christmas considering how my year has been. She is my reason for being. That is for me what Christmas is about. The teachings of Christmas are more then celebrating a birth but about the teachings in the stories. Love, family and sharing. That is the basics of life here on earth. We need to celebrate those things. I choose to give it isn't about the gifts themselves but the love and thought I pour my heart into. Each gift I give is about love. If I make a scrapbook or pick out just the right shirt it is about love. You can't buy love but you can make a person know that you really were thinking about them when you gave them a gift.

I survived. I'm sad and quiet. I napped because I was mentally and physically worn out. I hide for most of the day but apparently because I was within sight of others then I was good. It doesn't stop the loneliness but I guess I survived. Hannah and I are sitting here in the office at Mom's. She is laying on her blow up bed and I'm at the desk. We each have computers going but we are interacting. She is my lifeline. I hope by the time she goes to college I can have some path of existence that is less painful. I keep trying to live forward and find my way to whatever that is. I know how to take care of myself. I'm okay being alone but the magic of love is just so hard to be without. Scott is here because we love each other but I wish it was like before!

Merry Christmas to each of you. It is possible to feel the love of you all even without seeing your beautiful faces and magnificent hearts. I hope you all enjoyed the gifts of family, sharing and love on this day and each day as we all live forward.