The time, oh the time, it travels fast and slow. My heart feels like it was yesterday and my calendar tells me it has been eight months since he told me "Its okay, I LOVE YOU!" I did believe those words when he left the house. That is how he got out of here. I don't believe all of them anymore. I know he loves me but It's not OKAY! I will never be okay again. I'm forever changed. He changed me.
Today we watched a Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez movie Forever Darling. In it Lucille Ball had a line about loving as husband and wife. That you are great loves, brother/sister, best friends and all the things in between at all times. That really was our life together. I made a pumpkin pie yesterday and I sent the picture on to several people. One of those being Mike. His comment was that I've made them before my relationship with Scott why would that be so hard? Yes I had a life before Scott and Mike was part of that life but how do you explain to the man who is your friend and the father of your child the loneliness and isolation that is some days my entire being. Mike has Pamela and yes we were married before. No my life didn't stop with Scott's death but all the new memories and life we had created were so powerful. We never wanted to ride ourselves of our past but we did love making our own memories together. We so weren't done making those memories but God had other ideas.
I don't get the Forever Darling with him physically but I do get to infinity and beyond for the love we have for each other. My life will continue to step forward. I won't be sad and empty forever but right now it does still feel like yesterday. I'm taking steps to live but just as an infant that didn't just happen in a day. There are so many if onlys surrounding my heart but right along side is all the love I never knew was possible. I love Mike but the love for him is different then my love for Scott and maybe someday there might be someone else to love but if not it's okay because right now I have to just focus on living! Even when I don't want to!
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