Surrounded by light and love

Today started out very rough. I still don't know whether to treat Christmas like any other Saturday or fill it with others. I'm really okay with just spending the day alone and not worrying about anyone else. If other people are around I feel huge amounts of guilt for not making it a day that they enjoy. I hate that being the widow makes people feel like they have to walk around on eggshells. I do need TLC. I'm not saying I don't. What I really need is to come home to the Christmas elves but then if then it might just stay up for two years without coming down! Is there anything wrong with that either?

I'm full of pain but I'm having a hard time convincing others that I can be taken care of in the bad days but also I'm good at telling you when I need more or to back off. Just ask Betsy she'll tell you what I mean. I have promised I will never actually do anything to cause myself harm. Now close your eyes if you don't want to be shocked right now. I can tell you I think of different ways my future passing may happen! I blame it on TV crime shows. I won't actually do anything but South Oak Cliff at night... Yeah right I was scared enough in the daytime going to the Texas Fairgrounds like I'm gonna hang out at night there! We are all taught to protect ourselves if we are attacked and how to fight back. I don't know if I could say fight or flight would kick in. I have to believe it would but I'm not going to intentionally put myself in harms way!!!! I have made that promise.

I had to go to Dallas for a meeting for work. We had our Program Director Christmas Party and I was following the destructions just fine but I missed the easiest turn. I even looked right at it as I was driving by. I went to turn around and somehow I got all out of directional alignment. That is very unusual for me. I believe that Scott decided I needed an extra large does of Christmas lights. The ones at home just weren't doing the trick. I ended up driving around Highland Park area in Dallas. High faluting homes of the rich and famous Dallas socialites. They hire people to put out these lights. They offer carriage rides through the neighborhoods for romantic light tours. The only lights I've ever seen that beat these are the ones on The Plaza in Kansas City and maybe some of the lights in Disney World.

I love Christmas just ask anyone who knows me how much! This year not so much. I can't stop crying and it is getting worse as the holidays get closer. Yes I know I've earned a free pass to do only what I want this year but somehow I feel Scott pushing me to keep going. I hope that makes sense. He would always grumble, good naturly at me about my Christmas fetish but he got right in and joined the fun. I have to explain more of the magic of Christmas lights though. Last year we hung the lights, just the two of us, to surpise the girls. While we were hanging the lights Scott managed to slide down the ladder that I was holding for him. Yes he landed on me. No we didn't fight and for a bit I thought one of us was broken and it wasn't me! Those lights were magical because they were hung with love. I don't think there was ever anything he did for me that wasn't with all the love he could demonstrate. I wasn't always willing to listen but I would tell him, "I can't handle... but I love you."

Christmas is about love and light and a journey that begins. Each day I ask for God and Scott to surround me with their light and love. I'm trying to recognize those moments because they do happen. However tonight was a literal meaning. Yes Scott I see you have surrounded me with light. Now I'm trying to take one more step forward through this journey of healing. Just please all I ask is that you keep holding me and guiding me. I do see the light. I'm just stuggling with the steps at the moment.