Decking the Halls

The house has a dressing of Christmas. It isn't the normal Christmas but then again my life isn't normal. Tonight Hannah and my friends, Rhonda and Holly came over and helped us get through the process of the next step in our journey. I know Hannah has been through so much too but the hardest thing for her has been watching me struggle with life.

Hannah cleaned the house before they arrived and decided that we could get the tree Scott bought me out. It is the smaller of my two trees and the only one that is up. As she was bringing in the pieces of the tree, I pulled out the rubbermaid boxes of the rest of the stuff. I opened the first box that holds the wreaths that normally adorned the windows on the front of the house and immediately begin crying. If the floor in the garage was clean I do believe I'd still be sitting there. Remembering putting the new bows on the wreaths last year. Remembering Scott sliding down the ladder landing on me when we hung lights last year. Then all of the sudden the boxes which were stacked neatly behind me fell over. I got the message!

About then the doorbell rang and Santa's Helpers arrived. My heart was lighter having them here. I needed the help. They flewffed the tree and were amazed at the amount of Christmas ornaments I have. Yes I do have enough to fill two very large trees. I have always loved Christmas and really would leave it all up year round if I could.

We slowly put things up and I had tears. Lots of tears over very special memories that I needed to explore. I sat in front of the tree with Scott last year after the girls had gone to bed, hanging the last of the Hallmark Disney ornaments. He sat on the floor with me when were done holding me and promising me so much. I struggle with the promises we had for each other. I know he is still here. He is trying so very hard to make sure I know he is here and loves me to infinity and beyond.

Each step of decking the halls held memories and tears. I was able to make it through the private journey with love surrounding me of three people holding me together. I hung Scott's Buzz stocking from the fireplace mantel with great tears being held back. I hung Laynie's stocking there too. She is missed just as much as he is in our life. Scott was here with me tonight. I could feel him. I did the next step just as he wants me to do. He wants me to be happy. I just don't like this life. I'm not happy but I'm trying to make the motions to face this journey head on.

Thank you for my true Christmas gift tonight, Hannah, Rhonda, Holly and Scott. Love is the best gift in the world. There can never be too much given and that is true meaning of the Spirit of the Season.