Lights for the Holiday

Tonight we had a bit of time to kill between the HEB and taking Hannah to Young Life. We ended up driving around looking at lights with the Christmas Pops playing on the radio. Rough and not as enjoyable as last year. We drove around as a family several times but the one I remember most was after picking Hannah up from church but before we dropped Laynie off at her Mom's house. Scott and I held hands and Laynie described all the lights she saw. Hannah helped point them out to her and it was all like the world was brand new for her. We had so much fun and we talked about the lights we wanted to do next year from looking at others lights. Nope my heart isn't in something I love to do this year but I tried. I'm really trying to get there.

In the grocery store we went down the cereal/candy aisle. It is funny that candy and cereal are paired together but aren't they for the most part the same ingredients? Scott loved bringing home boxes of cereal, strange cereals! I have an almost full box of chocolate cheerios in the pantry. Someday I may decide to throw it out! As I'm standing looking for the cereal I'm craving, one of our favorites, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, when I look to the candy. Up on the top shelf was a huge, giant plastic container of Banana Laffy Taffy. How many people would eat only the Banana? Scott! He would pick all the banana out of the Halloween candy bag of Laffy Taffy. I'm standing there in the aisle with tears in my eyes. Hannah looks at me and says what is wrong. I tell her I found the perfect gift! She wrinkles her nose and I hear yuck. I tell her it would have been the perfect gift for Scott. I love finding crazy things like that for presents that show someone that I really do know them and love them enough to remember funny little things in gifts.

So I'm not ready for decorations in my house but I still wish I had an army of Santa's elves that show up and took care of me. That were able to give me a little piece of the meaning of Christmas. My heart hurts to much to try on my own. Free Pass, that's what I keep telling myself. At times though I feel him telling me to do the things we loved to do together. I've made so many steps. I'm not just sitting still and letting myself fade away to nothing even on the days I'd like to try. Listening to John Mellencamp sing, "save your time for living... cast your eyes up to Heaven... try not to be judgemental so others will not judge you... could it be there is nothing more at all? Save some time for your family and yourself" Yes the music does it's magic once again when I least expect it! I rarely watch Letterman but WOW! I think I found a new CD I have to buy - John Mellancamp "No Better Than This"