Bungalow of Love

2010 has been the worst year of my life or at least I should say the last nine months of it. Tonight I should be ringing in the new year just as we had planned an exact duplicate of last year. We went to our special place in Fredericksburg for a romantic weekend getaway. At this time we were sitting down to a five star gourmet meal five course meal. Wine and beer were allowed because we just had to walk to our little bungalow down from the main house. We held hands and discussed our bright future and all of our exciting plans and dreams.

Our honeymoon in Fiji had just been picked, we were making a list of things that needed to be done and timelines for it all. We didn't make it to midnight to ring in the new year. We snuggled into our king sized bed and held each other tight in the arms of our love. It had become very cold and blustery so when the new year dawned we awoke to freezing temps. Scott was always prepared because he never got that cold. He could layer and was happy. I had forgotten my coat so we did a Wal-mart run. Great sales on wrapping paper for this Christmas. It was hard to pull it out and use it this year but I did. You see we never stopped planning ahead and never taking any moments for granted.

Have you ever felt like you were capturing a mental photograph in your head to save it forever. That seems to be what happened with all of these amazing things we did together. Tonight Hannah and I drove to Mom's to take care of her after surgery. As I'm driving I feel Scott with me because the route is an exact path just stopping a bit sooner. Hannah and I stopped in the same store at almost the same time Scott and I were together gathering snacks for the weekend. I have the cutest picture of him taken in our bungalow. It was the first picture of him in 2010. He worked a bit on reports for work to try to get things done while I read my Kindle - my gift from him that hasn't stopped giving. Each moment of last New Year's Eve has come rushing back all the smallest details. Bet you didn't know buying a can opener could be a memory of romance for our future together. Our things in our kitchen, not his or mine, but ours. It was to be a great first year for new memories but it all came crashing down three months later. I treasure all the time we had together but if I knew then what I know NOW!!! He never would have been allowed to drive again but then it would have just been something else.

So tonight as I'm shedding tears of what will never be I must choose to keep trying to live forward. I will always see him across the table from me on every New Year's Eve for the rest of my life, smiling, laughing and loving me.

I keep telling you how things happen that I don't always understand. Tonight I got an email from our photographer we had hired. He had refunded half of our full payment right after Scott died but he felt regardless of the contract he can't keep the deposit because of the tragedy. He is sending me a check for the rest. I'm am so very touched by his kindness and his thoughtfulness. I don't need the money. I had accepted it was part of doing business but tonight someone does a great gift of kindness. So through my tears of memories of love and missing what I will never have again someone touches my heart.

I have a huge heart filled with love but it is cloaked by the pain of grief.I feel like Scott is still here with his arms around me guiding me, protecting me and showing me the way just as I ask each day. Someday I will return to our bungalow and cross another bridge. Tonight I live with the memories of Scott and our love. It will never be replaced and it can never be taken from me. My love, my heart to infinity and beyond.