A New Year

It's the beginning of a New Year! Am I supposed to feel different? I don't it's just another day. I keep thinking about what a resolution I would have if I made one. I won't tell because well I think I'd scare some of you. Each day is just a gradual addition to life. When I was little I liked counting up, actually until 9 months ago I still enjoyed counting up. Now I think I'm just counting down until it is my time. I feel like I'm just floating through life without meaning.

What is my meaning or purpose? I have suffered a major tragedy. I'm not alone. There are millions of people that have suffered but do they have the ongoing thoughts I have about just ticking down the days? What do I have to give that makes a difference in the world? I know I make a difference in Hannah's life but not the way it used to be. Now I have to work really hard to stay focused and in the moment. I have to work really hard to hold back the tears and pain. That's not fair to her. She shouldn't have to grow up with her Mommy feeling this way.

I struggle with sleep. Betsy asked me the other day if sleeping ever gets easier. Right now my answer is still no. I don't sleep without drugs. Last night I had a panic attack before bed. I had to take two of my panic meds. I am in control I don't try to do anything bad to myself. However, the thoughts are always just under the surface. I have so much in my life that Scott would tell me were more important then him. He was right in individual pieces but as a whole he is the missing link that completes my life. He gave me so much in our five years. It doesn't stop the moments I stand in the shower crying, the times I want to hit a brick wall with my fist or just turn inward into my own world.

I'm not sure how this New Year will play out. Just like last year was not the way Scott or I would ever imagine. I hang on to his last words to me and know I was the one who had his heart and dying love. "It's okay! I love you!" I hear it everyday. I know he is here and I know he will guide me and show me the way. He is my strength to get somewhere everyday, even when I don't want to go. I will keep living forward.