Remodeling my life

I'm here once again in my favorite spot. The corner of the couch watching old Doris Day movies! I'm surprised I haven't worn a hole in the couch. Today I was actually thinking about redecorating the kitchen. That's a huge step for me because here I have been happily sitting in the house with the few things we have done and all the ideas we had stuck in my head.

I pulled up google maps the other day and I could see that it was taken when Scott was alive - last winter. I don't think there are spots in my day when he isn't in my head. I never stop thinking about it. It hasn't subsided. I know he is in my heart but I do nothing without thinking about him.

Yesterday I amazed to go to Walmart and go into the door we used to go in all the time. I was in there for over an hour alone! I didn't have a panic attack and I managed to browse. I was in there to go to the pharmacy and a few other things but imagine when the prescription pickup line was 35 people deep. I skipped that and didn't have a problem in the store. I am doing things in life but I know I'm still a long way away from making it through all of this. I know it is okay to have Scott with me in my heart and head. I know it is okay to cry everyday if not more.

I just wish I didn't make others feel bad about how I'm feeling. I don't like being a downer to others. I'm so used to making others feel joy and happiness. Scott was that way too for most people. I know there were a few he liked to torment because I watched him do it. I just want to be able to live again not just going through the motions. I want excitement and joy like before.

It is so funny because I know he is here connecting. Hannah and I returned again to Walmart so I could pick up my meds. As we were leaving one of my favorite channels plays the theme to Lady and the Tramp. He is here with me. It is a private statement that was for me. He surrounds me with his light and love to infinity and beyond. Now I need help painting the kitchen! Any takers :D