Eat, Pray, Love

"We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformations." - Julia Roberts in EAT, PRAY, LOVE

I'm sitting here watching a movie that speaks to me in this time of my life that is complete and total transformation. I'm taking the steps but I'm not always sure I'm in the right direction. It is okay to be in the wrong direction because if the above statement is true then transformations continue endlessly.

So with this time in my I am in the ultimate transformation. What does that mean? I'm still the same person, with the same physical attributes, the same loving heart, the same career, the thing that has changed is my family unit. How do I transform from something that was so ultimately beautiful? When I divorced I knew I was at a point of transformation. This I didn't pick. I'm struggling to accept the changes let alone find a new path.

I wish I could afford to go on a year long journey to find my new self. To find what seems so lost to me. My own very soul seems like it is missing. I have been reflecting so very much over the past nine months. I know the life we shared was so very close. We had very few secrets. We could never lie to each other. I'm lost without my other soul half. This movie is so full of things I need to keep trying to do. He just said "stop trying and surrender?" Just what am I surrendering too? I know he is gone. I am still here but I don't know how to surrender. I have already given up control. I lost control on April 3, 2010 at 8:00pm when I knew he was missing. I can't surrender to the panic because it leads to collapse.

So I will finish watching this movie and attempt to send him light and love and live forward. I will do the work to get through this grief until something changes. It seems to be the only way to continue my transformation.