Magical Self-Confidence

I realized today what it is that everyone is seeing that they mistake for happiness. I have my self-confidence back. It took me many years to develop that in myself. I've spent my entire life fighting shyness. Putting myself out there and staying out there means I risk pain. Scott wasn't my self-confidence but he encouraged it. He knew the secrets to keeping my outlook positive when I was down. The moment I lost him I lost my self-confidence in my grief. I've had to fight that he left me. I know he didn't leave me on purpose. It wasn't his choice to go but God needed him and so my self-confidence disappeared.

What you all see in pictures is my trust in myself. I can do this. I am doing this journey of living forward. As my friend Nancy kept telling me this weekend, "You are amazing strong. You are doing the hard stuff!" That is why my self-confidence is back and my smile is sparkly. Other people may have opinions about who I am or where I am in this journey but I'm the only opinion I care about. I have control over my own self-confidence. I can make decisions that are right and I have made decisions that are right. I'm tired tonight. Jet lag is catching up with me so my self-confidence is a bit shaky, I doubt myself sometimes but I can work through those feelings. It is amazing what thousands of dollars worth of grief counseling can do.

I am living forward, trusting in God and being true to myself. Someone recently described me as sweet. I'm not sure what that means. I can say that I try to live my life as a nice person. I have faults and sometimes get cranky and mean but that just makes me feel guilty and I don't do guilt well! I know that I'm not perfect. I don't expect special treatment but I try to treat others with kindness and respect. The kindness and respect others have shown me throughout all of this past almost ten months has been the greatest foundation I could ask for.

I had this discussion with my friend Rhonda today about what being sweet meant. She explained it well! She said it is not a bad thing. She said some people could say it was fake but anyone who spends enough time around you realizes that is you. I started laughing because I know several who would disagree, Hannah being the main one, because I do have a temper. I am still so very different then I was ten months ago. Scott's passing has taught me that in the long run there is nothing in life that can't be fixed except death. It doesn't pay to lose my temper or get angry. I'm trying very hard to use that mindset each day because I know if I am patient all things work themselves out.

I trust in the Magic that is life! I know with each prayer for strength and direction there are answers. I have my self-confidence shining through. I am still not always happy but I know Scott will forever be in my heart. I just know I have room for someone else when the time is right. Only I can answer that question and take the next step in living forward. I also know my self-confidence isn't made or broken by another. It does however get worn on my sleeve at times. So I smile because I know my attitude gives someone else a smile.

Now off to write a letter Disneyland about there less then Magical Cast Member and most importantly the Magical Cast Member - Charlie! I saw him when I was alone a few times and he smiled and waved. He knows how to pass on the Magic in life. It is possible to pass that Magic on outside of Disney too!